memories and my circus

The days stopped melting when weeks became a blur and

there was something lucid about this long dream I

could not place my finger on,

or any other useful appendage.

 

My brain tried to wrap around it all,

warped,

and became a circle of infinity,

forever repeating a forgotten memory

so old it had become snowed out like so many

old VHS movies.

 

I could sit and stare at the screens for hours,

and the message or medium never changes.

 

My life as a circus show

minus a few bears riding unicycles,

and a strong woman.

Shattered doll

Your unsteady steps on
The surest of floors
And you were never certain or
Balanced.

Layers of makeup used to mask
The heavy doubt wrought by social judgment
And disguise the years lived.

The disguises fell apart in the face of
my megaphone self
Leaving us both vulnerable but wanting.

We sit frozen in time
– An impasse of a higher order –
And await the final, frail decision.

Every night

It broke,
It’s rotten
Or it died.

The words don’t come,
At least not like they used to.

All that is left are the hollow,
Scattered fragments of language
No longer forming sentences.

Writing was easy and safe and something,
But now sits rejected and empty for me.

It is either the absence of love or the echoes of all the pain,
But something about my words is no longer right or just.

for a down to earth girl

Your sharp face pierced the age of beauty

and left thorns and barbs throughout my heart,

your tight, little body had fought its way into my life

and you were all I could see or feel or breathe.

 

It should not have been,

but it was.

Our guards came down early,

and we both got stung for a few shots early,

but we both loved the pain in every way.

 

There was a something about you,

some tangible, thick quality of having lived,

having been through pain and hatred,

and love,

somehow you opened your heart again.

 

An armistice smile played on your lips,

both of us afraid to give any more pieces of heart,

but longing to feel wanted, attractive and true.

 

The tentative smile became real

and was a landmark of a tiny, gorgeous mouth

always revealing your heart,

and it was never more true than at the end.

 

The smile danced and faded to be replaced,

for the first time,

by a frown that began to smother my heart.

 

I held you as you bled

and inside that perfect body

a broken heart cried.

It was not the normla sadness of love lost,

but the sadness of someone too young

taken away from life too early,

it never breathed a full life and we were worse off for that.

 

It should not have been and was

and now may never be again,

leaving unasked questions never to be asked

and a love never to be explored.

 

We almost lost ourselves in the goodbye,

bodies hurt by a heart beating out poison

in a time where breathing became everything.

 

I sat in bed, curled up into myself

staring at a white panel wall,

you sat up and held me from behind,

iny arms and hands wrapping around me

with a strength none would imagine,

and one meeting of eyes told everything.

 

I didn't want you to go then,

I don't want you to be gone.

The value of saints

White walls were
are

always ruined by dirty finger prints
and

the bleach scrubdowns never made

any difference.

 

There’s a filthiness to living that no one

ever talks about or
mentions

we all just watch the slow decay of the fragile

innocence.