an unfamiliar absence

I reached my hand out,

an outline of flesh against off-white walls,

in a familar way in a familiar place.

 

An unfamiliar absence became,

and sat beside me,

strummed the chords of my

lonely, lonely

heart.

 

It wept for me,

as I could not weep for myself

in an empty place with ony my demons

for company.

 

It cried tears onto my shoulders

and I raised my head towards the ceiling,

an expression of understanding

and lament for all the lost days.

keep walking as the clock

there,

could you hear it?

It came in the slow,

monotonous,

ticking of the clock.

It left ashamed,

forgotten in the absolute silence of space

following that booming,

clicking,

noise.

Whether it came or not

was as irrelevant as her

claims of the same.

It did not matter now

and would not matter later,

but that's true of everything.

No revelation there.

No unshrouding of mystery,

only a compounded problem,

and another averts their gaze,

afraid in a soul-paralyzing manner,

keep walking.

Just,

keep walking.

It's too big a problem,

it's too big a battle.

Keep walking.

The clock ticks,

the jump to something real,

the clock ticks,

the jump to

anything at all,

the clock ticks

anything… 

the clock ticks,

at all…

the clock ticks.

The outsider

An odd outsider sits

eyes glazed by vacant thoughts

distant memories that feel forced

by the devastation of loneliness.

 

The concept of love has broken

busted up,

an abandoned van in the middle

of a back-water, forgotten forest

rust bleeds and mixes with oils

gases, and old love once held

for a now desolate object.

 

A symposium of twisted thoughts

form an orchestra of chaos and pain,

as formidable as good intentions,

and desperate as drowned hope.

 

The bill is paid,

the laughs are had,

the cold night wraps itself

around my restaurant-warm face,

begging to be embraced just like the rest of us.

the return of the mistress

A familiar love claws to the surface

long thought buried

but missed.

 

My true mistress of old

maybe will become

new again.

 

I've never loved

as I loved

sadness.

 

There is something pure

in the blue flame

of sorrow.

 

My first instinct was to run,

remember the happy,

the smiling cheer,

but it is false.

 

A big storm approaches,

held off and forgotten

for many years,

but not lost

at sea.

 

One can not run from who they are,

as hideous as the reality is.

 

Putting on sheep's clothing

never hides a wolf for long.

representation of the Damned

Stability is a relative term,

when speaking of madness.

 

Those days left me long ago,

I remember it feeling like home,

and it's still such a tempting offer.

 

A history of my madness,

can be traced on onion-skin,

paper,

even by the poorest artists.

 

You'll find father figures,

lovers,

friends,

and those of greatness.

 

We all end up face down,

sucking on the dirt with our,

dead faces, flesh rots to bone,

we massage the dirt with cheek bones,

protruding from our skulls with their worn,

enamel.

 

There is no shell for the hearts,

and each abandonment kills a,

piece of heart,

that will never return,

but will never leave either;

a representation of the Damned.

 

Be certain,

we are all the Damned.

sacrificial sleep

You can read these words,

and feel sorrow touch you,

but you're not here anymore,

and no comfort finds me here.

 

There's a beast stirring,

underneath the calm waters,

of a toxic pool you left long ago.

 

Do you remember him?

 

Sleep is sacrificial,

It dies for thoughts,

which take precedence,

in the harshest of times.

 

My hands won't stop shaking,

there's a broken-down undertone,

to every smile and laugh now.

 

Fragmented thoughts,

crumble together with empathy,

as naked friends lying together,

seeking a warm body,

secretly,

a warm heart.

 

The crumbling solves nothings,

the foundation it creates,

can't support a home,

nor would it want to.

A brush of inspiration

A starry-night sadness,

drifts through my ears,

escaping in visions,

and flash-memories,

through my window.

A clock disintegrates,

working it's way down,

this out-reached branch,

we call consciousness.

Will it bounce on impact,

when it meets the floor's rug?

Will it splatter carefully;

silver over black, white, yellow,

and

red?

Will the broken-man's dreams,

drift down the sorrowful waters,

of Monet's liquid Palazzo da Mula?

The smile teases,

at the corners of the lips,

because life is fragile.

Frankenstein living

 

run away,
because everyone else has,
and everyone else will,
that's the law of the land.
 
 
People shouldn't stick around,
spending time with corpses,
if you've got more life,
get the hell out now!
 
But if you're dead too,
we may as well stay together,
share in one another's misery,
try and harvest the dying grains,
or all the memories we made together,
when we cared.
 
Maybe we have no memories,
the lesion method of living,
or maybe we've overloaded our minds,
dying for something important to come along,
and hold on for dear life,
a reminder that we may live again.
 
Frankenstein living;
pieces of broken hearts,
strung together backwards,
a patchwork of broken souls;
eveyrthing we've ever known,
was faked or never existed.

It was better than nothing

 

 
That's where you're meant to be,
Not stuck with some old soul like me.
 
It really meant something,
back then in the dead months,
even if our life only existed,
between the sheets or in anger.
 
It was better than nothing,
and better than anything we had,
before each other,
wasn't it?
 
I'm not afraid that I'll hurt you again,
because we both know I would,
and you would hurt me,
the pain is too easy,
not as difficult as love.
 
Love's the part we never got right,
we were so good at the pain and despair, 
we lived for it.
 
Self-destructive doesn't describe it,
it's a petty, importent word,
meant for petty and impotent people,
and we're not guilty of that,
most of the time.
 
An air of immaturity choked us,
from time to time,
but that's life.

Never Better

 

Sometimes things are supposed to hurt,

and they don't,

or they shouldn't and they do,

either way it's all on you;

your mental stability,

your mind-game ability,

emotional, mental artillery.

 

There's a certain way I move,

when I give you the non-committal slip,

I watch your traps,

make sure not to trip,

up, I have to avoid capture,

leave you waiting for my rapture,

we weren't made for one another,

we just end up hurting each other

 

I hate rhyming,

don't know why I do it in the first place,

it never lets you fully express yourself,

especially when you're living in the worst place,

possible,

it's plausible,

I just like to suffer,

keep making it rougher,

mental frustration,

extreme pupil dilation,

your mind an empty-souled nation,

blank yet devouring like,

staring into the eyes of Satan.

 

And that's where I live,

when you try to make me choke back tears,

but the faucets off,

overestimate your own strength again,

you're predictable,

no surprise from you,

you're egotistical,

completely sadistic,

ultimately narcissistic,

you make me go ballistic,

with the shit you peddle for truth,

as if I can't feel the rain,

through your makeshift umbrella-roof.

 

Now we're both soaking wet,

and that's because I turn you on,

your tear-ducts that I mean,

the wounds you left were unclean,

and not healing properly,

a one-sided game of Monopoly,

where you tried to steal all the property,

and never even spared a thought for me.

 

Why did we live like that,

and make each other suffer,

used one another as an experience buffer,

we segregated the real world from one another.

 

You must miss me,

everyday but today,

or maybe today the most,

you won't escape my phantom,

can't get away from my ghost,

It follows you,

trying to choke you with dirty hands,

holding you back just like your new man,

and that's the best thing for you,

imagine letting your ambition,

be free of your inhibition,

and having to face your dream,

and realize you're not the queen,

you're just a lowly servant,

pretending to hand down verdicts,

but the jury's still out on your life,

and what you will become,

how long will you try before you're done,

and you just give up again?

 

All that potential,

and no motivation to achieve,

you needed a new man,

invented a brand new disease,

an excuse to bring you to your knees,

but he isn't going to bring the chain,

that's all your own self-supplied pain,

how long til he complains about the rain,

and decides to ditch out,

even if only emotionally,

leaving his physical shell,

so you have a home to crawl into,

when you're sick of trying,

and you want to resume dying.

 

What more could I ask for,

that I didn't already have?

I had the promise of a lifetime,

that fell apart, because you were sad.

 

And sometimes that's how you'll roll,

when you invest years of your life,

an empty chest, vacant of a soul,

from your ex-lover's twisted little knife.

 

That's just the heart talking,

not being filtered by my brain,

sometimes the best way to say it,

is to lose focus and spit all the pain.

 

That's what life's like sometimes,

on the darkest nights,

I got caught up dancing in the dark,

a never-ending fist fight,

and look where that got both of us,

endless blood, broken bones, and pus.

 

I realized your pool was too shallow,

I needed room to swim,

I needed to spread my wings,

achieve my dreams,

not stick around swimming,

in your lifeless streams.

 

You had potential,

and you smashed it under your heel,

shrugged the responsibility,

refused to accept dreams were real,

and now you're a ghost dancer,

jumping through your different acts.

 

Can't you hear the clapping,

the curtain's closing,

and there's nowhere else for your display,

once it shows your act will go away,

and maybe it's for the best,

you can discover your true self,

stop hiding it on a dusty shelf,

if it's even still alive,

i wish you weren't dead inside,

because I remember you,

despite what you think of me,

and I recall when you loved me,

and the way I loved you back,

before you destroyed yourself,

and left your ambitions for dead,

that was the fatal moment for us,

I took a shot to the back of the head,

and bled you out of me.

 

Sometimes I can still taste the blood,

your toxicity that poisoned my mind,

is still reminiscent in the taste,

your shadows still dance in your place,

but I got over them and their thin frame,

I escaped your madhouse,

rejoined the world of the sane,

just in time,

before your personality feeding frenzy,

your ultimate killing blow, to end me,

there was no hell you could have sent me,

to match us darkness, because we were empty.

 

Never better,

trust me,

never better.