Sartre

Anguish and The Changed Man

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

There was no way to say it. Reality had found a way to snake through little cracks in the floor. It bled through the once-varnished, now fading floorboards like a bottomless fuel truck mysteriously crammed into a bungalow. What should have been happening at a snail’s pace had blurred together into one long series of tedious events, stuck together by even more tedious sources of glue.

Life has become an abstract. Events were no longer being recorded and stored as concise memories, and not each day passed unceremoniously, pressing its warm body against the day before in hopes of re-igniting passion. It did not come. Either life had lost it’s lustre slowly and surely, or it had tragically happened one day in the past, but nobody discovered the crime scene or body and therefore, no one had noticed. It was more of a getting-sicker-by-the-day feeling than a sledgehammer to the skull.

There was a thick irony about it. Once, he marveled at my discovery that life was without an innate purpose or meaning. Now that his days seemed to lack a common goal or trajectory, days had felt more barren and empty than they had for a long while. There was always the spark though, even when it slept, at least it was there. The Changed Man groaned under the weight of It. Anguish. Limitless freedom, no purpose. It had moved from the boundless energy of limitless existence, to the unbearable weight of responsibility over the course of a few short years.

The Changed Man groaned. He tossed and turned. He spasmed. He actually spasmed. Nothing changed. Had he been wrong? They had said to never put all of your eggs in one basket, but then what was the point of it all? Open relationships were the territory of the confused, the pretenders or the people who should resign themselves to not being in a relationship to begin with, and he was mostly sure THAT was not him. He remembered letting go – making the Change – but he couldn’t recall exactly what caused it. Had it come for him in a moment of weakness? No, he had chosen it.

He looked over at the inbox with all of the messages piling up and decided to do nothing.

The True Face of Humanity: An Essay

/ andyveilleux / 1 Comment

Jean-Paul Sartre had me believing there was no human nature. He wasn’t the only one to argue that point, and maybe not  even the best, but when he spoke I believed him. I crave the complete responsibility for my own actions. There is a hitch in the plan though, that is only provided by experience. The more I live the less I believe humans are neutral morally. The more I live, the more evil I see. The evil of violence, which humans gorge on. The evil of inaction, exemplified by the lazy generation I was born into, but we are not alone. The evil in the way that love ends and how we make our most intimate friends and lovers into strangers. This also happens with family.

Loyalty is dead, or is at least left bleeding in some gutter, unattended to. We have become loyal to only our desires and personal ambitions, and not even the sort of real ambition only certain people possess. The false ambitions – that of wealth, personal “success,” and moving up some invisible and indifferent latter – also push people in strange ways.

When we eat, we seek to feast. When we get ahead, we seek to take metres instead of inches. Progress has become a clock spinning out of control, and what of morality? Nobody gives a damn about morality, because it doesn’t pay the bills. Morality is argued about in dark corners of philosophy departments, where even as we speak, it has taken a back seat to mechanical debates about logic and the obscure discussions surrounding the meaning of a solitary word.

We are not some privileged animal, despite our sophisticated brains, because we spoil and waste our talents. We possess the tools to look deeply and meaningfully at our lives and our predicaments, and we would rather use them on the inconsequential and mundane tasks that have no bearing on our being. We are the most advanced animal, well ironically the most stupid. No other creature on this planet rapes it or takes advantage of it the way that we do.

No other animal finds ways to mass murder its own species and other species with such efficiency. Our faculties have evolved, but unfortunately, our morality has not evolved at the same rate. Our moral compass is pointing north, telling us we are good human beings despite the evidence to the contrary.

Sure, you don’t recycle as much as you should, and you drive a distance you could walk in five minutes, but at least you don’t own a Hummer. And if you own a Hummer, at least you don’t fly a private jet plane. And if you own a jet plane, at least you donate to charities, and maybe you dump money into carbon off-sets for some of your travels or buy Monsanto seeds for poor Africans to become dependent on. They were already bankrupt and starving before the seeds anyways, right?

None of this is new, or hip, or popular to talk about, except the environmentalism, and even that depends on the circle of friends you keep. Humanity is just not that good to each other. They are awful in intimate situations, brutal in social settings and the worst in mob-sized dealings. There’s no cure coming, no sudden invent of a gadget that will teach people how to live better, deeper and smarter. There is nothing like the investment that gets poured into science and technology, but they care about your vehicles, new drugs they can invent new illnesses for and new ways to sell you something you don’t need.

But let’s not talk about all of that. It’s a good ol’ Saturday night and the people are dancing and drinking, and if they are not dancing and drinking, they are losers anyways. Certainly, I am a loser. I’m a loser to be spending a Saturday night reading interesting books, writing about how broken our species is and drinking a tall glass of water and reality. Charles Bukowski said what was needed was an old school jester, but even the cleverest and goofiest clown in history can not show us a shred of redemption in humanity. We are in a funk like we have never seen before. Humans before used to break everything, but they couldn’t destroy their planet with their stupidity. We possess the most knowledge at any point in human history, and it’s only led us to innovative ways of crippling ecosystems and hearts.

So don’t tell me there is no human nature. As far as I know, history has taught us what human nature is. Easter Island is human nature. Hiroshima and Auschwitz are human nature. The Crusades are human nature. Two people sitting alone trying to figure out where they go from here after one lover has confessed to infidelity, lying and stealing, both peoples’ hearts crushing and not for the first time, are human nature. The way we stab the earth with needles and explosives for minerals and oil to build more luxury SUVs, and over-priced trinkets, just to see all that money climb up some greedy tree where the top one per cent collect their lop-sided earnings, is human nature.

Human nature is not a broken concept, and I’m surprised the goblins, trolls and devils of our world do not being funding Arts programs seriously. They should be teaching people there is no human nature – although Sartre wouldn’t make sense to teach, because he preaches responsibility and free will – because there are always those in control of money, and those without it, and that’s all based on human nature. Humans idolize and place people on pedestals. Having your face on television, your voice on the radio and your general idiot nature yapping all the time, makes women and men want to bed you without having met you. Don’t tell me we are not broken, or that there’s some sunny dawn coming to chase away all the bad times. We are the bad times. We are humans being natural, and we are broken beyond repair.

Good Winter

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

Abyss is too defined a term to describe

the nothingness breathing on my hour glass,

the glass fogs from the moist nasal air,

blurring out the wasting grains of sand.

 

No,

too soon.

 

"When you're my age,

death doesn't seem so far,

and it occupies you,"

said the elder scholar,

but he lied,

or was ignorant.

 

Death does occupy me,

I see it in my fingers pounding

on plastic keys in a dark room

surrounded by melodies of sorrow;

good winter,

that crack the surface of mortality.,

if only fleetingly.

 

I have failed you,

and the sand doesn't go back up

the one-way paths in all our lives

and neither will the tears of loved ones,

weeping over something we used to be,

but can never regain again.

 

What was once moving,

loving,

thinking,

breathing,

is now undone,

and broken down.

 

No trancendence,

no light to follow,

no salvation sought,

and no mercy given.

 

Born into the godless abyss,

and returned to nothingness.

On being genuine, free, and responsible

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

It's not something that comes with age. It's not something that is relative to maturity. Being genuine is a moral thing.

That being said, there is a certain amount of responsibility in the way you live your life, whether you like it or not. Every decision has a consequence, and no decision you make can be blamed on anyone else.

People have a way of avoiding responsibility, and in doing so, making excuses for their lack of genuineness. "I didn't tell you about ___, because _______." "I didn't ask you to _____, because so-and-so said______." "It;s not my fault, it's your fault, because ______."

Stop it.

You are granted almost complete freedom in your life, you need to learn how to be responsible for that freedom. Sure, living in a society restrains certain freedoms. If you don't like the social constraints, leave your society. Back to reality:

You are free, therefore you must accept the responsibility of your life. Lying was not brought on by someone else. You chose to lie, you deal with the consequences. You choose to cheat on your partner, you wear the guilt of it. If you choose to hurt a loved one, You must carry the weight of that betrayal.

I've encountered many forms of this in the past month or so specifically. This has mainly been in cross-gender friendships I'm involved in, which should not come as a surprise, considering they can often be complex situations.

It can be as simple as a clever lie to parry a curious question I asked (which, evidently, was not so clever). It can be as big as inventing a reason to not hang out. It can be as complicated as mixing fact and fiction to describe a disagreeable recent-past event as "for the best," when in reality, that's not the way the person was truly feeling.

All of these are lies, and there is a serious problem when it comes to misdirection and dishonesty in our day-to-day interactions. Lies compound themselves, and begin breeding more lies. Lies also grow from small, controllable fact-fiction hybrids, into untamed beasts of deceit.

"So what's is your point, Andy?" Well, it's simple: We need to start treating one another better, and living our lives in a more honest and responsible way. We need to practice being open with our communication, and realizing the consequences that our actions have on the people around us.

I understand the counter-arguments. "Not everyone is going to do this." So what? It's better to live your life in a moral, and respectable manner, and your influence may spread beyond yourself and encourage this healthy way of living amongst your friends and family. "If I'm always honest, and the other person isn't, I'll just get hurt." If you're dealing with a snake like that, you're going to get hurt anyways. There's no reason to act like an abusive idiot, just because someone has abused you.

In conclusion, I hope to see more people behaving responsible. If you make a mistake, confess it to the people who are affected. Make amends with them. Error is a human trait, as is forgiveness. Practice both, and we'll all be happier for it.