memories and my circus

The days stopped melting when weeks became a blur and

there was something lucid about this long dream I

could not place my finger on,

or any other useful appendage.

 

My brain tried to wrap around it all,

warped,

and became a circle of infinity,

forever repeating a forgotten memory

so old it had become snowed out like so many

old VHS movies.

 

I could sit and stare at the screens for hours,

and the message or medium never changes.

 

My life as a circus show

minus a few bears riding unicycles,

and a strong woman.

An almost-real reunion

I saw you and I felt your face
Your curves
Your life,
Just in front of me.

You smiled at me,
A smile I had almost forgotten,
And the past melted.

I forgot the fights,
The hatred
And the ending,
Left only with the good times.

We said we were sorry and
We were playful, composed and in love.

You were never more you than these moments,
And then I woke up.

A starving fire

Fire was and is you,
But maybe less so now.

As if awkward sentences could ever
Capture anything about you,
The flame dances away from the cage
Or goes out when walled in.

You were a free spirit,
Dancing in too much oxygen
Until your appetite saw you too fed
And there was no stopping your newfound hunger.

Now you live as a pilot fire,
Carving out a meagre existence on scraps of air,
Waiting for the day you can be everything again.

Or maybe you had your chances and this is what you are now,
Tiny,
Struggling,
Afraid.

I would have ended you rather than see you so weak and powerless,
If only I would have known it would come to pass.

Play time in neutral space

And I want to play.

I’m something now but feeling hollow,

time all spent with the same result

life is a neutral game.

 

The more we push against others

and against objects,

the further we drift from anything that is real.

 

I find myself in a void with strangers,

strangers as half-empty, half-hollow as me,

but I don’t think they can see it.

 

Fatima

Dark on dark and
Eyes couldn’t find a hole to crawl into
But something stirred in you and I
Rooms apart
Never to be satisfied.

Forever is a long time,
The longest yet but we never gave up
As we crawled
Leaped
Swam and
Cried for more.

Believe in me,
Trust in these arms
Weak with failure and history.

Was there something more than this?
Is there now?

A shot of truth

I tried to step around it all
And over sympathetic words
But they didn’t come easily.

Sometimes the cold truth is the only way to speak,
And it stings like daggers in the back.

You’re a clown,
And not in a good way,
Less old court jester more monotonous hack comic.

You’re a failure,
Not because of the places u have been or
The job you’ve chosen,
But because you’re empty and
Even your dreams were false.

You’re an idiot,
Because those people around you now would
Be in you then outside your life at the drop of
A hat or condom wrapper
You should have made them use.

And mostly,
You’re a fraud,
Peddling some woe is me bullshit
With a house constantly breaking down from
All the thrown stones that made their way home
And my empathy no longer reaches that far.

There’s no solace in those broken arms which
Is perfect for the nights spent in foreign beds
that span much further than your
Slim track record,
But not as far as the lies.

the poet as failure

My task as a poet is to

write something like the truth

while weaving it with enough fiction

to make myself seem

bigger than life or

maybe that's a lie.

 

Maybe my job is to tell the details

and intricacies of my life in such depth

that it grabs onto your heart and pulls you

into the void the sits my inside

my chest where nothing but despair

and occasionally the feint flame of love

exists.

 

You get to watch the caverns walls

shed water and occasionally a stalactite

gives in to gravity and falls to the floor

like so many poor and forgotten memories,

but nothing much lives in there,

at least not for long.

 

We poets try,

by spewing over pages and computer screens

with the hope that something will catch your eye

and you will come and sit with us at least for awhile

and let us into your heart

and give us the attention we desire,

or maybe we just need to write what we do,

it's pushed forth like a volcano explodes

lava and ash pushed through the atmosphere and

any hole that is available,

much like my memories of some of the ones,

and afterwards we lie dormant,

spent.

 

Mostly,

poetry is an act of failure,

I try to describe the infinite in finite symbols,

these semi-useful words,

in an attempt to record events

and initiate the desired emotions,

and sometimes I succeed,

surely sometimes I succeed,

but I also fail often,

and that's the beast of poetry.

My sweetest friend

What have I become, 

my sweetest friend?

Everyone ounce of trust,

fell apart back then.

 

I spend the hours lately,

lost inside my head.

Vultures surround me,

claiming me for dead.

 

Where will you run to,

when the hammer drops?

Who will take you home,

when the parties stop?

 

And where has my head gone?

it's dragging on the gound.

I reach out to the world for love,

but there's no one else around.

 

What have I become,

my sweetest friend?

No apology could stand,

with such a vicious end.