To everyone whom I have spent a night with

Love does not happen in a
Set space or time,
Sometimes it happens in one
Small
Seemingly for fun alone
Moment
And sometimes it spans years or decades.

It holds me alike either way
And I find myself reflecting on
Everyone with whom I have spent an evening
More commonly these days
And much more fondly.

There was love
Even within other love
And maybe there always will be.

Surely, there always will be.

We watched Harper reelected,
Consummated years of built-up lust,
Snuck away to your jeep,
Frequently tents or spent time laughing in a tent shared with a friend,
Spent time as three in a shower for two ,
Exchanged pictures or videos,
There was no limit to the fun.

The fun ends they all say,
But maybe they never experienced the fun that I had,
Or they didn’t understand that this fun
Could be built and sustained by two and two alone,
Granted you had the right two.

Australia,
Newfoundland,
Quebec,
British Columbia,
Taiwan,
And of course Sudbury,
Thank you everyone and everywhere.

Life is much less painful and gruesome
When a bed is filled with two or three
than when it is one,
And there have been tens of twos.

pain and nothing

There is a certain limit to the

pain

someone can cause you and then

it is a nothingness.

 

There is no more room for it.

 

At first, it just hurts less,

but eventually,

it is nothing and they are nothing.

 

Life becomes clearer

afterwards.

The politics of early morning

Six a.m. didn't matter

and I did'nt care much for seven.

 

Five was the time to be alive and slide down the

oily snakeskin back of indecision that

will buck you off like

an ancient dragon waking up with

the force of

15,000 years of fucking righteous anger

and lovers all murdered by time

and indifference.

 

There's only one snake in your ear and

it's a tired tale

for tired eyes

but its ancient and iron-clad

because the message never changes in

a relationship or out of it when

one wonders where the hours go that have split

the oddest of couples

like dried-out pine slabs under

the weight of a hydraulic wood-splitter.

 

Something always snaps 

and someone

always

hurts.

And all of my words were false

 

I failed you,

I failed you,

I failed you,

as a lover,

and a friend.

 

The blood has drained,

the night has settled,

but the love won't leave.

 

I pour words onto the pain,

pain uses me in return by,

pointing out the futility,

of everything I've written.

 

Pain questions my words,

and on bad nights,

my dear friends,

I do the same.

Fight this

Exhaustion sets in,

fight this,

exhaustion climbing,

rounding the corner,

fight this,

hatred for the unexplainable,

unknown, and confused idea,

of what exactly happened then,

fight this,

sorrow that destroys the indestructible,

soul at the foundation of human existence,

that fosters and creates all spiritual growth;

now filled with an eroding, poisonous sadness,

fight this,

my brother,

we stand together.

stumbling shadow; my dear friend

I watch you,

a stumbling shadow,

a ghost of greatness past,

but not long passed by.

 

Breathing is required,

thinking will return,

when the time is ready.

 

Code red;

danger,

massacre,

the blood-bath.

 

Breathe,

bloodbath,

breathe,

keep breathing,

focus the pain,

achieve balance,

through agile memories,

that dance through pain.

 

Life continues,

dead friend,

life continues,

pain does too.

 

Experience,

not time,

the great healer;

go live,

again,

dear friend.

 

Love demands it;

Once more unto the breach,

dear friend,

once more.

Frankenstein living

 

run away,
because everyone else has,
and everyone else will,
that's the law of the land.
 
 
People shouldn't stick around,
spending time with corpses,
if you've got more life,
get the hell out now!
 
But if you're dead too,
we may as well stay together,
share in one another's misery,
try and harvest the dying grains,
or all the memories we made together,
when we cared.
 
Maybe we have no memories,
the lesion method of living,
or maybe we've overloaded our minds,
dying for something important to come along,
and hold on for dear life,
a reminder that we may live again.
 
Frankenstein living;
pieces of broken hearts,
strung together backwards,
a patchwork of broken souls;
eveyrthing we've ever known,
was faked or never existed.

It was better than nothing

 

 
That's where you're meant to be,
Not stuck with some old soul like me.
 
It really meant something,
back then in the dead months,
even if our life only existed,
between the sheets or in anger.
 
It was better than nothing,
and better than anything we had,
before each other,
wasn't it?
 
I'm not afraid that I'll hurt you again,
because we both know I would,
and you would hurt me,
the pain is too easy,
not as difficult as love.
 
Love's the part we never got right,
we were so good at the pain and despair, 
we lived for it.
 
Self-destructive doesn't describe it,
it's a petty, importent word,
meant for petty and impotent people,
and we're not guilty of that,
most of the time.
 
An air of immaturity choked us,
from time to time,
but that's life.

Never Better

 

Sometimes things are supposed to hurt,

and they don't,

or they shouldn't and they do,

either way it's all on you;

your mental stability,

your mind-game ability,

emotional, mental artillery.

 

There's a certain way I move,

when I give you the non-committal slip,

I watch your traps,

make sure not to trip,

up, I have to avoid capture,

leave you waiting for my rapture,

we weren't made for one another,

we just end up hurting each other

 

I hate rhyming,

don't know why I do it in the first place,

it never lets you fully express yourself,

especially when you're living in the worst place,

possible,

it's plausible,

I just like to suffer,

keep making it rougher,

mental frustration,

extreme pupil dilation,

your mind an empty-souled nation,

blank yet devouring like,

staring into the eyes of Satan.

 

And that's where I live,

when you try to make me choke back tears,

but the faucets off,

overestimate your own strength again,

you're predictable,

no surprise from you,

you're egotistical,

completely sadistic,

ultimately narcissistic,

you make me go ballistic,

with the shit you peddle for truth,

as if I can't feel the rain,

through your makeshift umbrella-roof.

 

Now we're both soaking wet,

and that's because I turn you on,

your tear-ducts that I mean,

the wounds you left were unclean,

and not healing properly,

a one-sided game of Monopoly,

where you tried to steal all the property,

and never even spared a thought for me.

 

Why did we live like that,

and make each other suffer,

used one another as an experience buffer,

we segregated the real world from one another.

 

You must miss me,

everyday but today,

or maybe today the most,

you won't escape my phantom,

can't get away from my ghost,

It follows you,

trying to choke you with dirty hands,

holding you back just like your new man,

and that's the best thing for you,

imagine letting your ambition,

be free of your inhibition,

and having to face your dream,

and realize you're not the queen,

you're just a lowly servant,

pretending to hand down verdicts,

but the jury's still out on your life,

and what you will become,

how long will you try before you're done,

and you just give up again?

 

All that potential,

and no motivation to achieve,

you needed a new man,

invented a brand new disease,

an excuse to bring you to your knees,

but he isn't going to bring the chain,

that's all your own self-supplied pain,

how long til he complains about the rain,

and decides to ditch out,

even if only emotionally,

leaving his physical shell,

so you have a home to crawl into,

when you're sick of trying,

and you want to resume dying.

 

What more could I ask for,

that I didn't already have?

I had the promise of a lifetime,

that fell apart, because you were sad.

 

And sometimes that's how you'll roll,

when you invest years of your life,

an empty chest, vacant of a soul,

from your ex-lover's twisted little knife.

 

That's just the heart talking,

not being filtered by my brain,

sometimes the best way to say it,

is to lose focus and spit all the pain.

 

That's what life's like sometimes,

on the darkest nights,

I got caught up dancing in the dark,

a never-ending fist fight,

and look where that got both of us,

endless blood, broken bones, and pus.

 

I realized your pool was too shallow,

I needed room to swim,

I needed to spread my wings,

achieve my dreams,

not stick around swimming,

in your lifeless streams.

 

You had potential,

and you smashed it under your heel,

shrugged the responsibility,

refused to accept dreams were real,

and now you're a ghost dancer,

jumping through your different acts.

 

Can't you hear the clapping,

the curtain's closing,

and there's nowhere else for your display,

once it shows your act will go away,

and maybe it's for the best,

you can discover your true self,

stop hiding it on a dusty shelf,

if it's even still alive,

i wish you weren't dead inside,

because I remember you,

despite what you think of me,

and I recall when you loved me,

and the way I loved you back,

before you destroyed yourself,

and left your ambitions for dead,

that was the fatal moment for us,

I took a shot to the back of the head,

and bled you out of me.

 

Sometimes I can still taste the blood,

your toxicity that poisoned my mind,

is still reminiscent in the taste,

your shadows still dance in your place,

but I got over them and their thin frame,

I escaped your madhouse,

rejoined the world of the sane,

just in time,

before your personality feeding frenzy,

your ultimate killing blow, to end me,

there was no hell you could have sent me,

to match us darkness, because we were empty.

 

Never better,

trust me,

never better.