love

Guys talk about their feelings…seriously!

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

I talked for a few hours with a dear friend of mine last night. He's been having a bit of a rough go of things, and I wanted to discuss them with him. As one would imagine, the pain involves love.

I think many will find it interesting that guys do, in fact, talk about love, hurt, and painful emotions we are experiencing (note: you may close your mouths at any time ladies [and I bet most girls are surprised I made an open mouth joke that was not sexual by nature!]). While writing this post, I had the privilege of stumbling upon a post by my friends over at WTF is up with my lovelife?! that discussed how many guys are actually reading and following along with their site (which was intended for women). They discuss being surprised by the response from guys, who legitimately want to discuss their love lives, and ask for advice. Imagine that, guys seeking advice AND discussing romantic, mushy things?! Bizarro world, right? Wrong.

In fact, there are some guys that often discuss their romantic lives with one another, at least in my friends circle (and no, by "romantic" I don't mean sexual). I'd like to talk a bit about what I learned from my discussion with a friend going through a serious break-up. Read their post first, so you can understand the study they mention which discusses how guys tend to store up emotions, resulting in massive break-downs, and being more hurt than their female counter-parts when things go down the tubes. It will put this in proper context, I think.

There are no words you can say to a friend to make them feel better when they're suffering through the aftermath of love. When love is lost, a part of you is as well. Time is the only thing that will heal you, but time does not pass in moments like these. Instead of the age-old cliché that time heals all wounds, I would like to offer a modification. Experience heals all wounds, at least to a degree where life is livable again. Let's face it, that person you love, is never going to go away 100 per cent. They will always have a special ability to irritate, anger, and even delight you. It's weird, but it's true.

Time passing in and of itself, does nothing. If one sits in solitude and broods over their loss, one does not heal. The scar tissue will also become much greater. I tend to brood when I'm miserable, and it's not healthy. It's a lonely place, losing love, and you can feel very much alone for some time afterwards. The key is to make sure you're trying to experience life again. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Go spend time with people. Get out and talk to other people. Sure, you'll get a lot of the same responses: "I know it sucks, but you'll feel better soon," "To be honest, I didn't really like her," "You're better off without her," etc etc etc….  but it's better than nothing. Conversation lets you express what you're feeling (well, try your best to express that which can not truly be expressed – and trust me, we poets have been trying to express it forever, and failing).

It's interesting how friendship is. Last night my friend apologized for being 'selfish' by talking so much about the storm of badness that is currently his life. I laughed, and explained how it's funny the more modest/self-aware guy friends tend to feel like they are doing a disservice to a friend by a discussing their problems. If it were a disservice of friendship, then what is friendship for? (Note: this does not apply to THOSE friends who always have "issues," and always bring them up, who are actually annoying because they're so woe-is-me). Life is meant to be discusses, and shared, with your friends. Communication is great; it brings people together, and makes life that much more enjoyable as a result. Guys, don't be afraid to talk about your problems. It's unhealthy not to, and it will lead to some serious problems for you.

stumbling shadow; my dear friend

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

I watch you,

a stumbling shadow,

a ghost of greatness past,

but not long passed by.

 

Breathing is required,

thinking will return,

when the time is ready.

 

Code red;

danger,

massacre,

the blood-bath.

 

Breathe,

bloodbath,

breathe,

keep breathing,

focus the pain,

achieve balance,

through agile memories,

that dance through pain.

 

Life continues,

dead friend,

life continues,

pain does too.

 

Experience,

not time,

the great healer;

go live,

again,

dear friend.

 

Love demands it;

Once more unto the breach,

dear friend,

once more.

An old paint job sheds

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

An anxious energy shoots through my veins,

muscles, tendons, ligaments pulse; lightning,

firing through narrow tunnels filled with water,

propelling these tired, young bones into action.

 

Fists beat on concrete,

walls,

a scratch; no damage of note,

a chip,

of paint,

falls down,

smashing on the asphalt,

a thousand tiny pieces of,

neon orange,

from a picture of a Phoenix,

flames roaring, consuming;

you can't stop it.

 

Occasionally,

a new paint job,

is necessary,

and I live on,

shedding old, concrete-skin,

eroded by sunlight and wind,

even some of your rain,

do you remember the weathering affect,

of all your difficulty and indecision?

 

I don't;

I shed that memory,

with the old paint-job.

Double standards: an interesting experiment via WTF is up with my love life

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

Now, I've been following WTF is up with my love life?! for quite awhile now. To summarize, it is a website concerned with anything relating to dating, relationships, romance, love, etc. It's a great blog, and features some interesting guest bloggers, and neat experiments. I encourage everyone to follow the blog, and real through it.

First, you'll learn a lot about love, sex, etc., especially if you're a bit unexperienced with the whole game (not meant in a disrespectful way, but dating, sex, love definitely have a game element to them). Second, you'll find great stories, which you should be able to relate to. Third, you can ask them for advice concerning your own love life. Fourth, and most importantly, They unveil a little of the underbelly of love and sex, which most people pretend doesn't exist, or deny the existence of!

Now, onto the experiment I mention in the title. The experiment is appropriately named "My "Experimental" WTF?! Summer," and it features a girl named Roz. She set out a list of ten rules for her summer, including things such as "I must approach a new guy every night hat I'm out on the town," and "If the kisses are lacking, then everything else probably is too. I must pursue no further." Her experiment, as you may notice, throws a lot of conventional gender roles on their head. She is charging herself with approaching guys, and in many cases, makes some of those important "first moves" that guys are apparently supposed to make according to the stereotypes. Also, she is going to be physical with these guys on the first date.

The experiment has been ongoing for over two months now. Roz recently posted an update to the challenge called "The WTF?! Summer Challenge: Midterm Review." She discusses how the experiment is going so far, and what she has learned thus far (in ten lessons!) I personally think the experiment is a great idea. I've read a lot of articles on dating, romance, and sex that feel so fake, and don't feel like reality in the least. I enjoy reading about someone who takes an honest approach to romance, and gets into the nitty-gritty of cross-gender relations. I encourage everyone to read the blog, and let me know what you think about it. I've often considered writing about my love life, and am happy to find that a lot of people can do so in an honest and open way, without losing their anonymity. The comments are yours. 🙂

Optimism fights reality

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

Every touch,

a piece of heart,

a lonely pair,

with a new start.

 

Prophets didn't write it down,

a new beginning, a new town,

a fresh filter for my thoughts,

throw the old ones to the dogs.

 

I watch the sun rise over hills,

you populated with poison quills,

but will roam around no longer.

 

My strength returns slowly;

my eye catches a ray of sun,

a ray of hope,

a new dawn.

 

Infused with energy,

a smile spreads across my face like cancer,

the chances of its survival are the same,

or maybe not this time.

 

Optimism fights with reality,

a spear tipped with malice and distrust,

swinging like a welterweight in the first,

occasionally biting crimson,

but often slicing air alone;

the battle will end somehow.

 

Everything ends,

somehow.

Open letter to my friends

/ andyveilleux / 7 Comments

Hi everyone,

Friends come and go throughout the years, and one's friend circle is always changing. If you're reading this right now, you're involved in my life to some degree. Maybe you're one of my childhood friends, a close friends, an acquaintance, a fellow poet, a twitter friend, family, a mentor, a client, or even a teammate. Either way, this post is meant for you.

The last couple of years for me have been rather interesting. I've loved, and lost, hard. I've grown, and learned a lot in the process. I've launched myself into new business, and gained new skills. I've played the highest level of sports that I ever will, and beat out many people's expectations of me. I've lost some important people through break-ups, falling-outs, and even death. I've gained a lot of new important people as well.

I'm 23 years old, a month from being 24. I'm in good health with the exception of my broken leg, but it's healing well and relatively painless now. I'm at an interesting crossroads in my life at the moment, and I wanted to take the time to discuss it with all of you. First of all, I should discuss the meaning of this post.

I wanted to write this post for a couple of reasons. First,  I wanted to reconnect, to an extent. I feel like there's a great disconnect in communication amongst people. I think the prevalence of social media has increased this divide in some ways. Social media has made it easier to get in touch, but more difficult to get close. It brings with it a lot of distraction, and an automatic distance in communication. Social media lets us extend the amount of people who we can keep in touch with to an extent that is impossible to manage.  I wanted to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten about you, even if we don't talk often.

Second, I wanted to let everybody know that I'll be making some major changes to my life in the next couple of years. Next year is a question mark. Will I start a master's degree? Will I move away for part of it if I do? Will I start my business before my master's degree? Will I juggle both, if so? Will I even start my business? What if one of the careers I applied for hire me? You get the point. The next couple of years will be a time of dramatic change in my life, and I hope you will follow along with me and offer advice.

Most importantly, I wanted to say thank-you. Sincerely, thank you. If you're reading this, you're here for a reason. Life is fragile. It can leave us unexpectedly and suddenly. I never see people take the time to thank their social net, despite how important it has been. I would not be where I am now without all of the wonderful people that have pushed me, and picked me up when I fell. You're great, and I've been fortunate to be surrounded by such positive influences in my life. Thank you all, I look forward to being in your corner and encouraging you all to accomplish the wonderful things many of you will be doing. Never give up.

the lonely prize

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

A shadow is spreading in my heart,

viral by nature,

an infection feeding off my memories,

swelling my chest.

 

Blood leaks out with love,

while hope struggles to hold on,

a seemingly endless battle

 

I no longer own my heart,

and truth be told,

I haven't owned it in years.

 

It's been sold to the highest bidder,

time and time again;

the person too intoxicated to understand,

and willing to show me the most affection,

a double entendre of failure. 

 

The auction's up,

and the bets are being placed;

an over-anxious auctioneer,

a lonely prize.

 

The neon life;

tweets, posts, blogs, status updates,

friends, music, movies and video games,

sports, jogging, working out, dancing,

poetry,

nothing works for long,

and it shouldn't.

 

Life is meant to be tackled had on,

hit your bruised forehead again,

on the same dull, white brick wall,

from school of old and the office of new,

until you need a release.

 

What release?

none.

 

Create as you will,

nothing will avoid the end,

not even your art can buy time.

the lonely prize

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

A shadow is spreading in my heart,

viral by nature,

an infection feeding off my memories,

swelling my chest.

 

Blood leaks out with love,

while hope struggles to hold on,

a seemingly endless battle

 

I no longer own my heart,

and truth be told,

I haven't owned it in years.

 

It's been sold to the highest bidder,

time and time again;

the person too intoxicated to understand,

and willing to show me the most affection,

a double entendre of failure. 

 

The auction's up,

and the bets are being placed;

an over-anxious auctioneer,

a lonely prize.

 

The neon life;

tweets, posts, blogs, status updates,

friends, music, movies and video games,

sports, jogging, working out, dancing,

poetry,

nothing works for long,

and it shouldn't.

 

Life is meant to be tackled had on,

hit your bruised forehead again,

on the same dull, white brick wall,

from school of old and the office of new,

until you need a release.

 

What release?

none.

 

Create as you will,

nothing will avoid the end,

not even your art can buy time.

This Hyde-like Phoenix

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

 

You're falling apart,
it shows by the way your skin holds your bones,
weakly.
 
You're breaking down,
discretely,
and that's about the best thing,
that I could say about you now.
 
You can dance in the photos,
and try to look cute pouting,
the irony is the realism of it.
 
You're naked;
sad, lonely, cold.
 
There's no warmth coming,
into your fragile body,
not even from a young boy,
or an old lover.
 
I only like watching a breakdown,
when I'm the monster causing it;
we both see the masochism,
and enjoy it.
 
Human life breeds suffering,
and that fuels us both,
what's happiness?
mostly weakness.
 
It makes you overindulgent,
complacent and apathetic,
I don't need any of that shit.
 
I need to run on slow, seeping fumes of sorrow,
live for the harsh bitterness of unrequited love;
you fly at me, a captivating, raging chainsaw,
and I accept you with arms wide open,
you can't cut this skin any deeper.
 
Chunks of skin are shed off my scarred chest,
the chainsaw dulls itself against my bones,
the flesh grows back fast around the razors,
stopping your furious assault in it's tracks,
until my blood leaks down the metal,
combining with my salty sweat,
I rust out your best assets.
 
We exchange periods of unrequited love,
until we come apart at our bursting seams,
and your hatred spills onto me like acid,
slicing away what you found beautiful,
you kill the Jekyll and leave the Hyde;
I roar, scream, tear, rip,
a monster, thrashing.
 
and we hold each other like that,
you corroding, slowly,
me breaking down;
a lover's embrace based on friction,
and resistance,
no harmony.
 
Life moved much too fast for you,
never moved fast enough for me.
 
This Hyde-like phoenix was retooled,
to feed on all the shit in life,
the supply was endless.
 
Who fell apart,
again?
 
 

Cross-gender friendships

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

 

Let me start off by saying that the possibility of friendship between men and women is an extremely fascinating topic. Today I read a friend's Facebook status, where she questioned whether or not men and women could be 'just friends.' She questioned in more harshly than that (read: men just want to try and have sex with girls, even their 'friends'). Is this the reality of the situation?
It's a situation I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Some of my friends have been critical of my behaviour in this way, but some have expressed a kindred approach to friendship. Some friends you can sleep with, some friends you can not. It doesn't come down to a simple divide: Friend A is attractive, so I might sleep with her, whereas Friend B is unattractive, so I won't sleep with her. That is far too simple an explanation for the situation.
I've had incredibly attractive friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single, and sober. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later). Either way, cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage. 
I wanted to take the time to point you, my dear readers, in the direction of some food for thought, before letting you loose on the comments section (of my blog, AND my Facebook).
First, the 'hard' evidence (pun intended, sorry it was difficult to resist:
Psychology Today wrote a great article, where several studies are sourced, about the possibility of cross-gender relationships. The Soko, a website dedicated to love and relationships, wrote a short article about the issue as well.
Second, a hilarious conversation from the film When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 
 
Personally, I think cross-gender friendships are possible. They definitely require honesty, and an acknowledgement of sexual tension. I've had friendships where one party expressed sexual interest, and the other party either agreed, but didn't want to get involved in that way, or admitted they didn't feel the same. Best case scenario: the friendship moves forward and grows stronger from the honesty. Worst case scenario: everything gets messy, and the friendship crashes and burns.
On the other hand, I've had friendships where casual sex was part of it, without any issues. Obviously, issues can arise, and if they do, it's important for the party that has an issue to bring it up. Honesty is vital (see a recurring theme here? COMMUNICATION – in case you missed it), and it will dictate whether or not the cross-gender friendship succeeds or fails.
All that being said, relationships have a way of changing cross-gender relationships. This change is especially dependent on your lover. I've had lovers that were completely fine with me continuing ALL of my friendships, whether cross-gender or not, but I've also had crazily jealous exes from hell who angrily prohibited cross-gender friendships (venom, anyone?) 
In the end, it's all about communication, whether you're in a relationship or not. You need to communicate at every stage, and if there is any uncertainty, talk about it right away. I know it's difficult to bring up issues sometimes, but for the sake of your friends, it needs to be done as soon as possible. Value your friends with honesty, and they will reward you with the same, and everybody will prosper from it.
 
Now, I want to hear your thoughts. Do you believe cross-gender friendships are possible? Have you been able to maintain cross-gender friendships? Does sex work in friendships?
It's a fascinating topic (the possibility of friendship between men and women). It's one I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage I believe. 
I've had friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later).
There is so much to say on the topic, and obviously we've had an up anddown friendship in the past, and a lot of it has been directly influenced by our feelings for one another, and sex. When I'm in a very sexual mood, I tend to be aggressive in that regard, and you are the same when you're in a sexual mood. It ends up resulting in an odd ebb and flow of sexuality, which is never really sorted out. That being said, I don't think we can sort it out. It's ridiculous for us to say 'we're never going to talk sexually to each other,' because I think we have a sincere sexual attraction to each other. I just wanted to highlight how interesting our friendship, and the history of it in terms of sexuality, has been. 
I'm going to write a blog post about cross-gender relationships, and I'd love to discuss the subject over coffee, chess, or whatever you're up for. I'll let you know when the blog post is up so you can read it. Would you prefer if I mentioned you in the blog, or would you rather remain anonoymous? I'm going to write it with you as an anonymous friend, but I'll change it to include you later if you prefer.
Thanks for the food for thought, here's an interesting conversation from the movie When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.