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Good conversations and the eternal sadness of being human

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

I've been having a lot of conversations lately, with a bunch of people with differing opinions. I've talked about purpose in life, Hemingway, Jung, Bukowski, the ADHD generation I am coming up in, intellectual boredom and stagnation, the difference between academic and public writing, and most important, the overall sadness that invades daily life.

There's a certain sadness to the daily events of life. Not specifically, because it's nothing you can put you finger on, but generally. It's not an overwhelming sadness.

It doesn't team up with the other negative emotions to push you down. It waits in the background most of the time. Occasionally, you can let it out of its cage, and play with it until you're both satisfied. It then will return to its cage and wait your next moment of weakness. In this way, it is like that ex-girlfriend, or friend-you-slept-with-and-sort-of-regretted-who-won't-go-away.

A lot of conversation has centred around what causes this sadness, and whether it will ever go away. I don't think it ever really goes away. The dull pain is probably always going to be there behind my ears. Maybe that's what got to Hemingway and Hunter S. Thomson.

Maybe it comes down to knowing that eventually we're all going to die. Our bodies can only continue for so long, and then the show's over. Good-bye Andy consciousness, you'll be gone for good one day. Hell, the whole species is doomed for that matter.

That's the eternal sadness of being human. It may be the only part of us that survives.

There is an emotion that teams up with that overall sadness well; loneliness. The feeling, or even thought, of being alone. To quote Bukowski, "there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock." The clocks have gone digital, the loneliness has to.

Now we sit around on MSN, Facebook, Twitter, just waiting for that message to lead us to salvation, away from loneliness. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't; but it never lasts. 

It's quicker than ever to get in touch with someone, but it's harder than ever to hold their attention and time. How much spectacle is acceptable in one's life to keep on entertaining, without becoming the jester?

Some nights are harder than others.

Life after Facebook, and why you need to get on Twitter

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

 

Hi everyone, I wanted to change up my usual blogging routine by offering you a guest-blog from a friend of mine, Matt Southern. His story is a fairly interesting one, as he is a PR graduate, who decided to delete his Facebook account months ago, and only keep his Twitter. Without further adieu:

Twitter is one of the most powerful tools of the post-modern era for communicating with individuals and reaching an audience. It’s direct and succinct with unmatched user-friendliness and accessibility. However, after over a year of being an avid twitter user I’ve discovered one simple truth about the social networking service: it’s not for everyone.

Too often I’ve seen people join twitter only to post a few dozen tweets before abandoning the service altogether. To them I would say they’re doing it wrong. You could argue that they didn’t give it a chance but I would argue that they never learned how to use it to suit their needs. It’s remarkable how in 140 character updates there’s truly something out there for everyone.

To get the most out of your experience on Twitter you have to decide what you seek to gain from it. If keeping up with current events is as important to you as it is to me then you need not look any further. There’s no denying it’s one of the best news services available, I almost always get breaking news on Twitter before I get it anywhere else. However, the people who sign up only to follow their favorite celebrities and athletes may never discover that it’s actually a very useful news source.

If you’re a creator of digital content such as a blogger, vlogger, graphic designer, writer of short stories etc. there’s no better way to directly reach an online audience than through Twitter, especially if you’ve built up a healthy number of followers. Similarly, if you’re a consumer of content and like to keep up with your favorite bloggers, youtubers and graphic artists then you can do that as well.

One of my personal favorite ways to use Twitter is as a personal contact maker. I love connecting with people who are passionate about the same things I am. Twitter offers me that opportunity that I otherwise wouldn’t get in real life. For example, living in a small Canadian city where Hockey is the sport of choice it’s difficult to connect with people who are as passionate as I am about pro wrestling and mixed martial arts. Twitter provides me an outlet to share my thoughts and opinions with hundreds of people who are just as passionate, many of whom I’ve developed friendships with even though we’ve never met.

Additionally, as a Public Relations grad and current student of Communications I aspire to have a career involving social media one day. I value Twitter as a business contact maker as I’ve connected with many PR professionals and look to them for guidance as I prepare to begin my career in the next year or so.

After a while I became so satisfied with my Twitter experience that I did what others would believe to be unthinkable: I deleted my Facebook account. Quite simply, it wasn’t doing it for me for me anymore. I see the utilitarian value in Facebook for keeping in touch with friends and family but there’s numerous other ways to do that. E-mail, instant messaging, text messaging, or even good old-fashioned phone calls to name a few. If you take that aspect away there was nothing else to keep me coming back. I wasn’t getting any valuable news updates that I couldn’t otherwise get on Twitter. I wasn’t making any new connections because Facebook doesn’t offer the ability to view what people all over the world are talking about. I had a very limited audience to introduce to new blogs I was writing at the time. Plus, the privacy issues were starting to get to me so I felt the time was right to delete my account altogether. I haven’t looked back since. Twitter more than satisfies my social networking needs and I still keep in touch with everyone I used to while I had Facebook, proving that life does indeed go on.

Cross-gender friendships

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

 

Let me start off by saying that the possibility of friendship between men and women is an extremely fascinating topic. Today I read a friend's Facebook status, where she questioned whether or not men and women could be 'just friends.' She questioned in more harshly than that (read: men just want to try and have sex with girls, even their 'friends'). Is this the reality of the situation?
It's a situation I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Some of my friends have been critical of my behaviour in this way, but some have expressed a kindred approach to friendship. Some friends you can sleep with, some friends you can not. It doesn't come down to a simple divide: Friend A is attractive, so I might sleep with her, whereas Friend B is unattractive, so I won't sleep with her. That is far too simple an explanation for the situation.
I've had incredibly attractive friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single, and sober. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later). Either way, cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage. 
I wanted to take the time to point you, my dear readers, in the direction of some food for thought, before letting you loose on the comments section (of my blog, AND my Facebook).
First, the 'hard' evidence (pun intended, sorry it was difficult to resist:
Psychology Today wrote a great article, where several studies are sourced, about the possibility of cross-gender relationships. The Soko, a website dedicated to love and relationships, wrote a short article about the issue as well.
Second, a hilarious conversation from the film When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 
 
Personally, I think cross-gender friendships are possible. They definitely require honesty, and an acknowledgement of sexual tension. I've had friendships where one party expressed sexual interest, and the other party either agreed, but didn't want to get involved in that way, or admitted they didn't feel the same. Best case scenario: the friendship moves forward and grows stronger from the honesty. Worst case scenario: everything gets messy, and the friendship crashes and burns.
On the other hand, I've had friendships where casual sex was part of it, without any issues. Obviously, issues can arise, and if they do, it's important for the party that has an issue to bring it up. Honesty is vital (see a recurring theme here? COMMUNICATION – in case you missed it), and it will dictate whether or not the cross-gender friendship succeeds or fails.
All that being said, relationships have a way of changing cross-gender relationships. This change is especially dependent on your lover. I've had lovers that were completely fine with me continuing ALL of my friendships, whether cross-gender or not, but I've also had crazily jealous exes from hell who angrily prohibited cross-gender friendships (venom, anyone?) 
In the end, it's all about communication, whether you're in a relationship or not. You need to communicate at every stage, and if there is any uncertainty, talk about it right away. I know it's difficult to bring up issues sometimes, but for the sake of your friends, it needs to be done as soon as possible. Value your friends with honesty, and they will reward you with the same, and everybody will prosper from it.
 
Now, I want to hear your thoughts. Do you believe cross-gender friendships are possible? Have you been able to maintain cross-gender friendships? Does sex work in friendships?
It's a fascinating topic (the possibility of friendship between men and women). It's one I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage I believe. 
I've had friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later).
There is so much to say on the topic, and obviously we've had an up anddown friendship in the past, and a lot of it has been directly influenced by our feelings for one another, and sex. When I'm in a very sexual mood, I tend to be aggressive in that regard, and you are the same when you're in a sexual mood. It ends up resulting in an odd ebb and flow of sexuality, which is never really sorted out. That being said, I don't think we can sort it out. It's ridiculous for us to say 'we're never going to talk sexually to each other,' because I think we have a sincere sexual attraction to each other. I just wanted to highlight how interesting our friendship, and the history of it in terms of sexuality, has been. 
I'm going to write a blog post about cross-gender relationships, and I'd love to discuss the subject over coffee, chess, or whatever you're up for. I'll let you know when the blog post is up so you can read it. Would you prefer if I mentioned you in the blog, or would you rather remain anonoymous? I'm going to write it with you as an anonymous friend, but I'll change it to include you later if you prefer.
Thanks for the food for thought, here's an interesting conversation from the movie When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.