Andy Veilleux

memories and my circus

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The days stopped melting when weeks became a blur and

there was something lucid about this long dream I

could not place my finger on,

or any other useful appendage.

 

My brain tried to wrap around it all,

warped,

and became a circle of infinity,

forever repeating a forgotten memory

so old it had become snowed out like so many

old VHS movies.

 

I could sit and stare at the screens for hours,

and the message or medium never changes.

 

My life as a circus show

minus a few bears riding unicycles,

and a strong woman.

An almost-real reunion

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I saw you and I felt your face
Your curves
Your life,
Just in front of me.

You smiled at me,
A smile I had almost forgotten,
And the past melted.

I forgot the fights,
The hatred
And the ending,
Left only with the good times.

We said we were sorry and
We were playful, composed and in love.

You were never more you than these moments,
And then I woke up.

Heart in a castle

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Light shines through the cracks in my glorified castle,
The place where I’ve built up defenses against love
In an attempt to keep my heart safe once more.

There is no describing the fortress we erect to save ourselves,
And the architecture is always flawed and impotent.

Love always finds a way.

It might not be good love or the mythical ‘true’ love,
But something always sneaks into my heart,
Whether it scales the walls or swims the most.

Love isn’t clean, or just or pure,
But nothing worth having is.

Sleep and the struggle

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I remember the enemy,
Even though its been many months.

There was no counting sheep
Or melatonin solution strong enough
To push aside this demon.

I had forgotten the late nights packed full of
Nothing.

The return felt like a well-worn glove,
Warm, and snug as it stretched onto smooth hands,
Never worse for wear despite missing sleep.

How did I best you before and
How can I defeat you now?

Time tells all stories,
Even when it slows to its post-midnight crawl.

Wide-eyed and finished I
Await another long dawn.

Heavy heart and lust

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I lied when I said forever,

although I meant it at the Time,

and every Time I said it.

I could not have meant it more,

and the leaves feel and died

and so did we, baby,

and we had no chance.

A voracious appetite for sex

and never-ending lust for the new

led us to new, but no greener, pastures,

if anything we constantly downgraded.

We dragged along our crosses,

totems to one another’s failures

that we were unwilling to help solve,

and instead decorated the walls with.

I remember your totems and idols and

somewhere along the way the love became sadness

but never regret or a Third Chance.

I’m not even sure I gave you any chances,

or if I gave you too many of them,

because it all blends together in a big mess

of hatred, deceit and misery.

There were good times,

oh, so many good times,

and the cheap smiles we would pay fortunes for now,

had all deserted us, unwilling to be bought.

You were brown, and blonde and red,

but I missed that one,

and I don’t miss you.

Play time in neutral space

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And I want to play.

I’m something now but feeling hollow,

time all spent with the same result

life is a neutral game.

 

The more we push against others

and against objects,

the further we drift from anything that is real.

 

I find myself in a void with strangers,

strangers as half-empty, half-hollow as me,

but I don’t think they can see it.

 

Every night

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It broke,
It’s rotten
Or it died.

The words don’t come,
At least not like they used to.

All that is left are the hollow,
Scattered fragments of language
No longer forming sentences.

Writing was easy and safe and something,
But now sits rejected and empty for me.

It is either the absence of love or the echoes of all the pain,
But something about my words is no longer right or just.

for a down to earth girl

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Your sharp face pierced the age of beauty

and left thorns and barbs throughout my heart,

your tight, little body had fought its way into my life

and you were all I could see or feel or breathe.

 

It should not have been,

but it was.

Our guards came down early,

and we both got stung for a few shots early,

but we both loved the pain in every way.

 

There was a something about you,

some tangible, thick quality of having lived,

having been through pain and hatred,

and love,

somehow you opened your heart again.

 

An armistice smile played on your lips,

both of us afraid to give any more pieces of heart,

but longing to feel wanted, attractive and true.

 

The tentative smile became real

and was a landmark of a tiny, gorgeous mouth

always revealing your heart,

and it was never more true than at the end.

 

The smile danced and faded to be replaced,

for the first time,

by a frown that began to smother my heart.

 

I held you as you bled

and inside that perfect body

a broken heart cried.

It was not the normla sadness of love lost,

but the sadness of someone too young

taken away from life too early,

it never breathed a full life and we were worse off for that.

 

It should not have been and was

and now may never be again,

leaving unasked questions never to be asked

and a love never to be explored.

 

We almost lost ourselves in the goodbye,

bodies hurt by a heart beating out poison

in a time where breathing became everything.

 

I sat in bed, curled up into myself

staring at a white panel wall,

you sat up and held me from behind,

iny arms and hands wrapping around me

with a strength none would imagine,

and one meeting of eyes told everything.

 

I didn't want you to go then,

I don't want you to be gone.