Sex

Of all evil and of all love

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

Nietzsche had a way with words that was not usual for a philosopher. Sure, he could often be difficult to read due to how abstract some of his writing was, but occasionally he delivered a gem. In Thus Spoke Zarathustra, he wrote:

"Of all evil I deem you capable: for that reason I want from you the good. 

Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who think themselves good merely because they have lame paws!"

I love this passage, and have since first hearing it. It represents something about all of us that many of us will never say. We are capable of any evil – we could steal, we could cheat on our lovers, we could destroy someone's reputation, we could kill, we can do any number of awful, evil things – and this is why Nietzsche is asking for the good.

This line has incredible importance in relationships, and in love in general. We are all capable of doing horrendous things, which are out-of-character (although that is an interesting debate – what is "out" of character? Are we not several characters at different times?), but we are also capable of treating someone well and with proper love. However, people are not good to each other, which makes this line all the more significant.

Should we except people to be good to us? Judging by the masses, no we should not, but we do expect our lovers to be good to us. The statistics are not in favour of us behaving well to our lovers.

 

In a 2007 MSNBC article, which surveyed over 70,000 North Americans, only 25% of respondents had never sexually fantasized about others, sent sexual emails to others, webcammed, given oral sex, had sex with others or romantically kissed someone else.

Half of respondents said they had been the 'other' man or woman in an affair, and almost half of the respondents had cheated at some point, with 22 per cent having cheated on their current partner. Nearly forty per cent of cheaters cheated with their children in the same home. So, don't talk to me about how good people are to their lovers, because if half of the people surveyed – and this survey is by no means an anomaly with its statistics – and yout ake into account that many people will not feel comfortable admitting to cheating, even digitally, then people are probably not as good to their partners as you are leading yourself to believe.

So where do we go from here? Well, the current dating landscape is often referred to as a post-dating world, and certainly my good friends over at The Gaggle have their fingers on the pulse of modern "dating" (if we can even call it that these days). I don't think the idea of monogamy is dead, or maybe to go back to Nietzsche, it is dead, "but considering the state the species Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which [its] shadow will be shown."

To be more optimistic towards love than Nietzsche's statements about God – and perhaps show off my romantic side with love – I believe a committed monogamous union of two people is possible. Both people must realize that they are capable of great evil, but trust one another to behave in a good moral fashion. We don't have to be draconian in relationships, but there needs to be a level of trust where both people are comfortable and do not worry about their partner committing evil towards them. Is that too much to ask?

 

 
In a recent MSNBC article, which surveyed over 70,000 North Americans, only 25% of respondents had never sexually fantasized about others, sent sexual emails to others, webcammed, given oral sex, had sex with others or romantically kissed someone else.
 
In a recent MSNBC article, which surveyed over 70,000 North Americans, only 25% of respondents had never sexually fantasized about others, sent sexual emails to others, webcammed, given oral sex, had sex with others or romantically kissed someone else.
 
In a recent MSNBC article, which surveyed over 70,000 North Americans, only 25% of respondents had never sexually fantasized about others, sent sexual emails to others, webcammed, given oral sex, had sex with others or romantically kissed someone else.
 
In a recent MSNBC article, which surveyed over 70,000 North Americans, only 25% of respondents had never sexually fantasized about others, sent sexual emails to others, webcammed, given oral sex, had sex with others or romantically kissed someone else.
 
In a recent MSNBC article, which surveyed over 70,000 North Americans, only 25% of respondents had never sexually fantasized about others, sent sexual emails to others, webcammed, given oral sex, had sex with others or romantically kissed someone else.
Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who think themselves good merely because they have lame paws!" -Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, p.103.

screaming at you

/ andyveilleux / 1 Comment

I am SCREAMING,

did you feel that?

Well, 

I didn't scream, but I felt like screaming.

At this, at you, at the screen, come a little closer, please?

 

Deficit-running, your job, or mine,

but throw around pay raises for the rich,

you cliché pseudo-intellectual.

Yes we know about that,

everybody does.

 

Bang you way into the system if you want to change it,

classic revolution is meant for non-complacent, non-fat., non-first-world places,

bang your way up with your mouth, face, fists, vagina or dick,

make it where your mom and dad never did,

and take home the five figure pay raise to make them so proud

time is money but not really

because it isnt

it seriously isnt.

 

You are dying,

I am dying,

the money is seperate

and good luck with that crisis when it hits your 'furrows of worry' and bank accounts.

sex, sex, and SEX

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

Well, now that you're all here because of the keyword "sex" (half-joking…), I'd like to open a serious dialogue about the topic.

First, I believe that we live in a society where sex is rarely spoken about, and is treated as though it's something to hide. If a person speaks about it too frankly, or too often, they are classified as either a pervert or a slut, and sometimes both. That being said, I still talk about it openly, honestly, and relatively often (labels/stereotypes be damned!).

The response I get when I discuss it is usually something sexist. "Typical," most people say, "a guy wanting to talk about sex." HELLO!? Women have sexual needs too, and some of them are not afraid to discuss it openly and honestly, if they trust you. There's some mystifying sexist belief that men talk about sex, because they're the perverted gender. I've had far more discussions about sex with females, and not just because I had a sexual interest in the person I was conversing with (because I know everyone was thinking that was the reason).

As a male in his twenties, I become pigeon-holed the moment I bring up sex oftentimes. As soon as I mention the subject I get the above-mentioned 'typical' response. It's frustrating for a number of reasons. First, I legitimately enjoy discussing sex. It's a fascinating subject, and explains a lot about the person you're talking with. Second, despite the conventionally-held belief, as a male, I don't want to sleep with every girl I try to chat up. Third, sex SHOULD be discussed in great detail, it's one of the most important parts of life (if not the most important, depending if you talk to heavy supporters of evolution and general supporters of humanity's on-going existence :P). 

To be honest, I've been incredibly surprised by a lot of my conversations regarding sex. Some people have zero (or almost zero) experience with sex, well into their twenties. Despite the obvious assumption, some of these individuals are not overly-religious, and are actually attractive. On the flip-side, some of my friends have a vast amount of sexual experience (yes, even some of the ladies too, who aren't "sluts.")

It's always interesting to have perspective into the sex-life of friends. Humans are naturally social creatures, and therefore love discussing things we can relate to. EVERYBODY can relate to sexuality, even if they haven't had sex before. It's rare to find an interesting topic, which everybody can discuss. Interesting + relative + passionate = great conversation. And if there are three things I know about sex; it's that these words describe it well, at least most of the time. ; )

What are your thoughts about sexuality? Are people open enough about it? Do you find people who discuss it honestly and openly? Are you open and honest when discussing it with others? How strong are the stereotypes regarding sex?

Being hot: friend or foe at work?

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

 

Being attractive is usually seen as a positive thing in our material world. Most discussions involving hot employees and their jobs used to suggest the same. While I wouldn't suggest the prevailing trend has reversed, many have suggested the opposite may be true in some cases. Everyone recalls the Citibank employee who was 'fired for being too sexy.' I refuse to get into a lengthy conversation about it, as we definitely don't have all the facts, but it is an interesting case you should become familiar with.

Elizabeth Bromstein recently wrote a great blog on Workopolis about whether or not being hot could prevent you from being hired. The blog also discusses the idea of competition among same-sex employees, as well as a myriad of other interesting sexual statistics.

The most interesting profession in regards to sexuality has got to be that of a teacher/professor. EVERYBODY has had a teacher-figure that they were attracted to at some point in their education I'm sure. They were, or maybe are, often the topic of idle, or not so idle, chatter amongst your peers and yourself. High school teachers are a natural target for this sort of attraction, considering hormones and puberty. Beth Aviv recently wrote a great article for Salon Magazine concerning”hot young teachers.” The perspective is a fresh one, as it is told from the view of a not-so-young, and not-so-hot group of teachers, who are struggling to find jobs when stacked up against this new wave of female teachers.

I want to mention another struggle female employees are having due to their attractiveness; namely, attractive female professors. Dr. Ebony Utley wrote an article concerning the way some of her male students don't show her enough respect, and ask her out on dates even. I found this curious, but not altogether surprising. The most surprising part was how much this apparently shocked her, even though she talks about how important sex appeal is in an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education, which discusses attractive professors.

This issue doesn't just apply to female professors, as you'll notice from reading the Chronicle of Higher Education article linked above. Dr Gary A. Hoover actually moved 45 minutes away from the campus he teaches on, just so he would not run into any of his potential students and create an awkward, and potentially ethically-ambiguous situation.

The opinion on whether attractiveness is a burden or an asset is still on-going. Among professors, some just find it flat out hilarious either way (as referenced in the Chronicle of Higher Education article). One professor actually thought it was a joke when he heard he had been named to the famous Lemondrop list for hot male professors. There is a co-ed version of the list here.

What are your thoughts on attractiveness in the workplace? Does it hurt or help your career? Are professors and teachers in a unique situation with this dilemma?  

Do iPhone users have more sex? Does it matter?

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

I'm sure everyone's read the survey, or at least seen the headline, 'iPhone users have more sex' or 'iSlut'… It goes without saying that the survey is a little informal. It was published on free online dating site OkCupid's blog, OkTrends yesterday, and has been generating a phenomenal amount of buzz. The statistics in it are not that significant, unless put in the proper context. Here is a summary of the stats, quoted from the Times' article "iPhone users have more sex" (linked above):

"The accompanying graph shows male iPhone users have had an average of 10 sexual partners by age 30, while BlackBerry users have had 8.1. What's worse? Those poor losers with Androids have only had 6. The best news may be for female iPhone users who have an average of 12.3 sexual partners by age 30, as compared with 8.8 for BlackBerry users and 6.1 for Android users."

Is it significant that iPhone users apparently have had more sexual partners? I don't think so. The significance lies in another context of the statistics; the gender statistics. Did you notice that women had more sexual partners than men by the age of 30? I think this speaks volumes for equality. I'm not suggesting that this tiny survey is akin to women getting the right to vote or anything, but I think it's great that women are feeling comfortable enough to engage in a healthy amount of sexual activity, and to share that fact.

Also, I'd like to see a comparison between the users on dating sites, in terms of sexual partners, and the non-users. Do people on dating sites have more partners? I'll be willing to guess they do. That's not a condemnation of dating sites, or the people that go on them. That would be so hypocritical of me, considering I've used dating sites to a fair degree over the past few years. To hell with the social stigma of dating sites. I've met a lot of interesting people through them (after weeding through a lot of uninteresting people). That's a discussion for another time (oh, you know, next week :P).

There is an issue with a survey like this: honesty. Are these numbers accurate? How do we know a lot of people didn't downplay their numbers? How do we know people didn't exaggerate their numbers? We don't. Still, this survey was an interesting one, and it's worth reading over the article.

What's your opinion of dating sites? Do you think the fact iPhone users have more sexual partners in this survey is significant? Do you think the numbers are high or low for a person at 30 years old?

Double standards: an interesting experiment via WTF is up with my love life

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

Now, I've been following WTF is up with my love life?! for quite awhile now. To summarize, it is a website concerned with anything relating to dating, relationships, romance, love, etc. It's a great blog, and features some interesting guest bloggers, and neat experiments. I encourage everyone to follow the blog, and real through it.

First, you'll learn a lot about love, sex, etc., especially if you're a bit unexperienced with the whole game (not meant in a disrespectful way, but dating, sex, love definitely have a game element to them). Second, you'll find great stories, which you should be able to relate to. Third, you can ask them for advice concerning your own love life. Fourth, and most importantly, They unveil a little of the underbelly of love and sex, which most people pretend doesn't exist, or deny the existence of!

Now, onto the experiment I mention in the title. The experiment is appropriately named "My "Experimental" WTF?! Summer," and it features a girl named Roz. She set out a list of ten rules for her summer, including things such as "I must approach a new guy every night hat I'm out on the town," and "If the kisses are lacking, then everything else probably is too. I must pursue no further." Her experiment, as you may notice, throws a lot of conventional gender roles on their head. She is charging herself with approaching guys, and in many cases, makes some of those important "first moves" that guys are apparently supposed to make according to the stereotypes. Also, she is going to be physical with these guys on the first date.

The experiment has been ongoing for over two months now. Roz recently posted an update to the challenge called "The WTF?! Summer Challenge: Midterm Review." She discusses how the experiment is going so far, and what she has learned thus far (in ten lessons!) I personally think the experiment is a great idea. I've read a lot of articles on dating, romance, and sex that feel so fake, and don't feel like reality in the least. I enjoy reading about someone who takes an honest approach to romance, and gets into the nitty-gritty of cross-gender relations. I encourage everyone to read the blog, and let me know what you think about it. I've often considered writing about my love life, and am happy to find that a lot of people can do so in an honest and open way, without losing their anonymity. The comments are yours. 🙂

Cross-gender friendships

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

 

Let me start off by saying that the possibility of friendship between men and women is an extremely fascinating topic. Today I read a friend's Facebook status, where she questioned whether or not men and women could be 'just friends.' She questioned in more harshly than that (read: men just want to try and have sex with girls, even their 'friends'). Is this the reality of the situation?
It's a situation I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Some of my friends have been critical of my behaviour in this way, but some have expressed a kindred approach to friendship. Some friends you can sleep with, some friends you can not. It doesn't come down to a simple divide: Friend A is attractive, so I might sleep with her, whereas Friend B is unattractive, so I won't sleep with her. That is far too simple an explanation for the situation.
I've had incredibly attractive friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single, and sober. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later). Either way, cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage. 
I wanted to take the time to point you, my dear readers, in the direction of some food for thought, before letting you loose on the comments section (of my blog, AND my Facebook).
First, the 'hard' evidence (pun intended, sorry it was difficult to resist:
Psychology Today wrote a great article, where several studies are sourced, about the possibility of cross-gender relationships. The Soko, a website dedicated to love and relationships, wrote a short article about the issue as well.
Second, a hilarious conversation from the film When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 
 
Personally, I think cross-gender friendships are possible. They definitely require honesty, and an acknowledgement of sexual tension. I've had friendships where one party expressed sexual interest, and the other party either agreed, but didn't want to get involved in that way, or admitted they didn't feel the same. Best case scenario: the friendship moves forward and grows stronger from the honesty. Worst case scenario: everything gets messy, and the friendship crashes and burns.
On the other hand, I've had friendships where casual sex was part of it, without any issues. Obviously, issues can arise, and if they do, it's important for the party that has an issue to bring it up. Honesty is vital (see a recurring theme here? COMMUNICATION – in case you missed it), and it will dictate whether or not the cross-gender friendship succeeds or fails.
All that being said, relationships have a way of changing cross-gender relationships. This change is especially dependent on your lover. I've had lovers that were completely fine with me continuing ALL of my friendships, whether cross-gender or not, but I've also had crazily jealous exes from hell who angrily prohibited cross-gender friendships (venom, anyone?) 
In the end, it's all about communication, whether you're in a relationship or not. You need to communicate at every stage, and if there is any uncertainty, talk about it right away. I know it's difficult to bring up issues sometimes, but for the sake of your friends, it needs to be done as soon as possible. Value your friends with honesty, and they will reward you with the same, and everybody will prosper from it.
 
Now, I want to hear your thoughts. Do you believe cross-gender friendships are possible? Have you been able to maintain cross-gender friendships? Does sex work in friendships?
It's a fascinating topic (the possibility of friendship between men and women). It's one I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage I believe. 
I've had friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later).
There is so much to say on the topic, and obviously we've had an up anddown friendship in the past, and a lot of it has been directly influenced by our feelings for one another, and sex. When I'm in a very sexual mood, I tend to be aggressive in that regard, and you are the same when you're in a sexual mood. It ends up resulting in an odd ebb and flow of sexuality, which is never really sorted out. That being said, I don't think we can sort it out. It's ridiculous for us to say 'we're never going to talk sexually to each other,' because I think we have a sincere sexual attraction to each other. I just wanted to highlight how interesting our friendship, and the history of it in terms of sexuality, has been. 
I'm going to write a blog post about cross-gender relationships, and I'd love to discuss the subject over coffee, chess, or whatever you're up for. I'll let you know when the blog post is up so you can read it. Would you prefer if I mentioned you in the blog, or would you rather remain anonoymous? I'm going to write it with you as an anonymous friend, but I'll change it to include you later if you prefer.
Thanks for the food for thought, here's an interesting conversation from the movie When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 

Is pornography killing the male libido?

/ andyveilleux / 8 Comments

I read an interesting article by Naomi Wolf in NY Mag this morning, which concerned me. The article proposes the male libido is becoming less and less of a force, and it’s because of pornography. To be honest, I don’t watch much pornography, and never really have. However, I have watched my fair share over the years, and some of it has changed my expectations of sex, and had a large impact on my sexuality.
I’m not sure how to quantify the effect porn has had on my sexuality, or more specifically my libido, but it’s worth discussing the possible effects. Naomi (who is a brilliant author, by the way) claims that porn is making male expectations of sex unreasonable, and males having access to naked women (note: plural) is killing their libido. This debate enters into the realm of how to have a successful family (i.e. the parents staying together) and the adventurous ways that younger women are acting to try and keep the attention of their male counterparts.
I have noticed the young female shift towards adventure more and more the older (or just more experienced) I get. It is not uncommon for females to consider threesomes, or at the very least, kiss another girl while drinking. I’ve had some real shockers lately in the females kissing females category, as I’ve been informed of some fairly devout Catholic girls making out at a bar. The religious denomination is not necessarily the shocker; the fact of who the girls were is though. That’s another story.
My friends, new and old, male and female, know that I am a very sexual person. That is not to be confused with being a “man-whore,” which despite claims to the contrary, is not true. I like to be adventurous, and open with my sexuality, but I don’t think that’s abnormal for a male in his mid-twenties. I’ve put a lot of thought into sexual desire, and what effect porn has on it, but never had I found an article like Naomi’s that discussed the issue so openly. I believe that porn DOES have a negative effect on the male libido, and that IS a serious issue. I’ve experienced a loss of sexual desire when I watch porn too often, and I have all but stopped watching it as a result of that. Monogamy can be a challenge even when the sex life is entertaining, so anything that weakens a couple’s sex life can only be detrimental to the relationship’s chances of survival.
Do you think that pornography is affecting male sexuality negatively? Do you think it’s possible to find a link between increased divorce rate and the rise of porn?