Sorry doesn't cut it

 

An apology doesn't work,
it isn't good enough,
sometimes.
 
Apoligies are too easy,
words mean so little,
especially when typed,
Is it ironic you're, 
reading this on a screen?
 
I'm sorry,
You're sorry?
 
Are you really sorry,
or are you just saying that,
because it's the proper thing?
 
Do you feel badly enough?
 
How can I judge that?
 
Mostly,
Are you being sincere?
 
Saying you're sorry isn't enough,
You need to say why you're sorry,
why you did what you did,
how everything happened,
not just 'I'm sorry."
 
We both know you fucked up,
you meant what you said,
you can't it that back,
you tried to hurt me.
 
Maybe you succeeded,
but at what price?
 
Sorry doesn't cut it,
not this time.
 

Everyone remembers the martyr

 

 
I don't have enough time Mel,
and it worries me.
 
There are too many things to do,
and no enough time.
 
I wan t to be everything,
for everyone,
I want to breathe passion into the dead,
and light up the burnt out wicks,
in the hearts of the damned.
 
I need to lift them on my back,
before they fade away,
and are lost forever.
 
I need to do it for them,
I need to do it for me,
I need to do it for you.
 
Everyone remembers the martyr,
no one remembers the ones,
who didn't quite try hard enough.
 
Everyone remembers the martyr.

Poem for everyone

This poem is to you,
it’s unmistakable,
you’re my regret, oh,
that’s inappropriate,
your pain is disproportionate,
I tore your heart out,
you were supposed to die then,
but nobody ever cares enough for that,
broken-hearted,
long living,
figure it out.

Maybe you’re the one I never talk to,
down in a major city I chose to walk through,
in an ill-fated attempt to find you,
and have a break-through,
before I break-down,
or break it down,
real simple like,
the way you understand it,
or the only way I know how to speak with,
who gives up first, the chicken of the egg?

Is that where we end, am I a chicken,
because I’d never tell you this,
not on my best day,
when my inhibitions to speak,
are put on lay-away,
and I forfeit my deepest secrets,
deeper than the gulf’s oil plumes,
our love was running on fumes,
in an empty tank we couldn’t fill.

Maybe you’re my friend,
that wants to be more,
but I can’t see through,
your vault-style front door,
you won’t let me in,
even though you want to;
are you saving me, or you?

Maybe I want to see you naked,
I want to see you sweat,
and see what you will do for me,
and that’s inappropriate,
because it’s honesty,
and who are you kidding?
honesty’s forbidden.

Maybe you’re one of the army,
I march onto the pitch with,
and I’ve got your back,
through thick and thin,
count me in,
I’ll save you every time,
or at least take the fall,
all for one, one for all.

Maybe I want to love you,
but I’m afraid,
too used to dancing on a razor-blade,
trying to find someone to hold,
when everyone wants to get laid,
but that;s inappropriate,
because it’s the truth,
don’t let it come out of the booth,
or they’ll come for you,
and shut you down,
you’ll never work in this town,
again.

Maybe your life is a mess,
and I want to pick up your pieces,
or I tried before,
you abandoned me,
but who’s counting?

Maybe I left you for dead,
ripped out that heart and said,
you need to move on,
love somebody else it’s easy,
just like they do on the TV,
at least try,
and that’s how I waved goodbye,
once or twice,
and I’ve got back that pain thrice,
or fifteen times over,
and it’s not easy to handle sober,
so I stayed drunk,
and so stoned I just slept,
until I forgot the reason I wept,
and rolled over to a brand new day,
can you say the same?

Maybe you’re my mentor,
a real role model,
but where are your skeletons dancing?
How big is that closet?
Was there a time you failed,
and truly lost it?
You don’t know where the edge is,
til you’ve gone over it,
and maybe you have,
and it shows in your eyes,
from the scars that reflect out,
and shine back off my own,
that’s communication,
that’s truth.

Maybe I still love you,
and I watched you move on,
or regress back to a useless state,
where you can’t help me, and you’re killing you,
so what good are you,
and who am I to judge?
Your brain’s permanently fucked,
mentally-fed yourself date-rape drugs,
until you’re a zombie,
and I can’t look at you.

And here I am,
it’s one A M,
the game is over,
it’s time for bed,
but there’s always so much,
that remains unsaid,
and I’ll never say,
talking to myself,
a broken soliloquy.

I live like that,
and the words kick holes in my silent demeanour,
like Rakim kicks holes in speakers,
the sound begs to live,
and I try my best,
but you know my best was never good enough,
for me at least,
and maybe for you,
but that was my decision,
and the truth of it is frozen,
dangling in time for you to read,
but you’re hindsight-illiterate,
and your rage blinds you more,
so what was I was there for?

Nothing,
and I vanished like the wind,
the way I came in,
before pulling out,
to applause from the crowd,
for my clever joke,
which leads nowhere,
except the end.

the smiling reaper has won

 

 
I stayed afloat, treading in a dream moat,
felt the Sandman's grains stuck in my throat,
and the sickle of death scrape against,
the back of my neck, cold metal,
take the burning hot kettle,
pour the water in,
and warm me up,
I'm freezing to death,
my hair stood on the back of my neck,
I prayed for my end,
he laughed,
he whispered,
he grinned.
 
"Not today, or tomorrow,
but my shadow walks with you,
I step where you step,
I do what you do,
and one day I'll come,
swinging my scythe,
and in the blink of an eye,
I'll steal your life."
 
The alarm clock went,
I rolled out of bed,
at first giddy, excited,
it was all in my head,
then I thought of work,
and what he had said,
he can't steal my life,
my soul is already dead.

Never Better

 

Sometimes things are supposed to hurt,

and they don't,

or they shouldn't and they do,

either way it's all on you;

your mental stability,

your mind-game ability,

emotional, mental artillery.

 

There's a certain way I move,

when I give you the non-committal slip,

I watch your traps,

make sure not to trip,

up, I have to avoid capture,

leave you waiting for my rapture,

we weren't made for one another,

we just end up hurting each other

 

I hate rhyming,

don't know why I do it in the first place,

it never lets you fully express yourself,

especially when you're living in the worst place,

possible,

it's plausible,

I just like to suffer,

keep making it rougher,

mental frustration,

extreme pupil dilation,

your mind an empty-souled nation,

blank yet devouring like,

staring into the eyes of Satan.

 

And that's where I live,

when you try to make me choke back tears,

but the faucets off,

overestimate your own strength again,

you're predictable,

no surprise from you,

you're egotistical,

completely sadistic,

ultimately narcissistic,

you make me go ballistic,

with the shit you peddle for truth,

as if I can't feel the rain,

through your makeshift umbrella-roof.

 

Now we're both soaking wet,

and that's because I turn you on,

your tear-ducts that I mean,

the wounds you left were unclean,

and not healing properly,

a one-sided game of Monopoly,

where you tried to steal all the property,

and never even spared a thought for me.

 

Why did we live like that,

and make each other suffer,

used one another as an experience buffer,

we segregated the real world from one another.

 

You must miss me,

everyday but today,

or maybe today the most,

you won't escape my phantom,

can't get away from my ghost,

It follows you,

trying to choke you with dirty hands,

holding you back just like your new man,

and that's the best thing for you,

imagine letting your ambition,

be free of your inhibition,

and having to face your dream,

and realize you're not the queen,

you're just a lowly servant,

pretending to hand down verdicts,

but the jury's still out on your life,

and what you will become,

how long will you try before you're done,

and you just give up again?

 

All that potential,

and no motivation to achieve,

you needed a new man,

invented a brand new disease,

an excuse to bring you to your knees,

but he isn't going to bring the chain,

that's all your own self-supplied pain,

how long til he complains about the rain,

and decides to ditch out,

even if only emotionally,

leaving his physical shell,

so you have a home to crawl into,

when you're sick of trying,

and you want to resume dying.

 

What more could I ask for,

that I didn't already have?

I had the promise of a lifetime,

that fell apart, because you were sad.

 

And sometimes that's how you'll roll,

when you invest years of your life,

an empty chest, vacant of a soul,

from your ex-lover's twisted little knife.

 

That's just the heart talking,

not being filtered by my brain,

sometimes the best way to say it,

is to lose focus and spit all the pain.

 

That's what life's like sometimes,

on the darkest nights,

I got caught up dancing in the dark,

a never-ending fist fight,

and look where that got both of us,

endless blood, broken bones, and pus.

 

I realized your pool was too shallow,

I needed room to swim,

I needed to spread my wings,

achieve my dreams,

not stick around swimming,

in your lifeless streams.

 

You had potential,

and you smashed it under your heel,

shrugged the responsibility,

refused to accept dreams were real,

and now you're a ghost dancer,

jumping through your different acts.

 

Can't you hear the clapping,

the curtain's closing,

and there's nowhere else for your display,

once it shows your act will go away,

and maybe it's for the best,

you can discover your true self,

stop hiding it on a dusty shelf,

if it's even still alive,

i wish you weren't dead inside,

because I remember you,

despite what you think of me,

and I recall when you loved me,

and the way I loved you back,

before you destroyed yourself,

and left your ambitions for dead,

that was the fatal moment for us,

I took a shot to the back of the head,

and bled you out of me.

 

Sometimes I can still taste the blood,

your toxicity that poisoned my mind,

is still reminiscent in the taste,

your shadows still dance in your place,

but I got over them and their thin frame,

I escaped your madhouse,

rejoined the world of the sane,

just in time,

before your personality feeding frenzy,

your ultimate killing blow, to end me,

there was no hell you could have sent me,

to match us darkness, because we were empty.

 

Never better,

trust me,

never better.

Every few days someone says they miss me

I woke up in your mental hospital,
Where escaping was misson impossible,
and yeah, I took that hit to the chin,
because I was caught, too busy staring,
at your beautiful headlights,
which were guilty of sparking fist fights,
on random drunken bar nights,
started by uncoordinated drunks, the anti-termites.

I dodge their punches, and your worst moments,
shrugging you off like you were a tiny dancer,
weaving around your lies just like Prancer,
wishing for once you had a straight answer.

I float like a butterfly, and sting like my knee,
scrapped to the bone by the hood of your car,
that ripped me open and sent me so far,
I landed in nevernever land,
where Pepsi and Coke held hands,
along with the other brands,
that feed you black death juice,
an attempt to cook your goose.

The advertisers hated it,
they waited for evisceration,
due to this strange nation,
that was far too content with life,
to worry about content with strife,
or about getting my own life,
rather than just living yours,
through your eyes, vicariously,
as I wander around, precariously,
and nothing falls into place.

You used to have such a beautiful face,
I used to picture it covered in white lace,
I truly believed our love was timeless,
then your demons took over, making you mindless,
your passion died, you were robbed of kindness.

That’s the way love goes,
south and down the drain,
surrounded by some real pathetic fallacy,
thunder storms and rain,
love cheques reverted back to entry-level salary,
all pain and no gain,
thats not the way its supposed to go,
I know life’s a winding road,
and you do what you’re told,
by the media and strange personalities,
they’re flipping out and losing calories,
too busy arguing amongst themselves,
their lies peddled for truth, flying off shelves,

I know pleasure’s supposed to come with pain,
but sometimes I feel life is all rain.

Consume shadows and be free

When life feels broken,
in everything you do,
you must consume shadows.

Eat all the darkness,
swallow your pain,
and all your boredom,
then let it fuel a rebirth.

Redemption is a decision away;
decide, and grow your new skin,
which will carry on your old scars.

Our only legacy is our scar tissue,
that we freely sport for everyone to see,
which represents all the times we’ve been hurt,
and the times we stood back up and challenged life,
unwilling to submit to our failures and broken dreams.

Never let the weight of broken dreams,
or the weight of all your indecision,
chain you to the ground.

Break free,
fly free,
be free.

Living is not about stability;
life is soaring through the sky,
circling around all your dreams,
and everything you love dearly,
but never staying chained down for long.

Don’t let your physical attachment to the earth,
translate into a metaphysical attachment for your dreams.

Be free.

There must be something more

There is something broken about my life;
I remember sleeping more than I remember waking.

Nothing inspires or moves me,
and everything is a ghost of itself;
Am I awake or is this my nightmare?

The ghosts turn to me,
as they tilt their head,
with their hollow, questioning faces…

I will never join them,
I would rather die.

All I feel is doubt;
this can’t be what life feels like,
can it?

When did passion abandon me,
where have hope and potential gone?

Is this how my life will be?

A series of time-killing events,
taking me from sleep to sleep,
until the day I die?

There must be something more than this.

A pressure (an unfinished poem)

There’s a pressure in my head,
that is making me feel sick.

Wwhat is this inside of me,
that I cannot control or name,
and that I cannot exorcise?

I’m running in a circle,
sprinting untily my heart pounds,
so hard it breaks my ribcage.

Where is the pressure building from?

What factors are adding up,
that are forcing me to rethink life,
and the complex events I am,
which I’ve come to call existence?

The light bounces off the ceiling,
castrated and smothered,
by a dusty glass and metal covering,
which represents my potential.

A bright light struggles to light my living room,
against the midnight darkness pouring through my windows,
too much light is bouncing off the worn-down brass fixture,
and I’m failing to live up to my potential too.

That sinking feeling drags me down,
as the night creeps closer to my precious mind,
I feel as though it brings more anxioety.

Best game in town

The night fell upon me,
far colder than usual.

My sweat become icicles on the run,
my breath turned into fog from my lips,
as I was left with the thought of you,
and the frostbite of distant love.

“Why can’t it work,
when we both try,
we try,
we try
oh how we try…”

You deserve better than this,
you deserve real touch,
real emotions and love,
not a flash of what could be.

“And I wish only greatness followed you around…”
but that’s not how life is…
The bad memories and ghosts,
follow you to the end of days,
while love and hope wallow,
in the forgotten tombs of overgrown cemeteries,
where nature played for keeps,
and won the pot.

We’re all left naked at the table;
half embarrassed and half satisfied,
we knew we’d lose but still had hope.

The hope hurts the most because it’s heavy,
the embarrassment fades like the eyes of a vacant lover,
shameless, uncompromising, and completely understandable.

You’re naked and strung out,
losing the game of life,
to the force that created it.

Remember that life is a rigged game,
but it’s the best game in town.