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Do iPhone users have more sex? Does it matter?

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

I'm sure everyone's read the survey, or at least seen the headline, 'iPhone users have more sex' or 'iSlut'… It goes without saying that the survey is a little informal. It was published on free online dating site OkCupid's blog, OkTrends yesterday, and has been generating a phenomenal amount of buzz. The statistics in it are not that significant, unless put in the proper context. Here is a summary of the stats, quoted from the Times' article "iPhone users have more sex" (linked above):

"The accompanying graph shows male iPhone users have had an average of 10 sexual partners by age 30, while BlackBerry users have had 8.1. What's worse? Those poor losers with Androids have only had 6. The best news may be for female iPhone users who have an average of 12.3 sexual partners by age 30, as compared with 8.8 for BlackBerry users and 6.1 for Android users."

Is it significant that iPhone users apparently have had more sexual partners? I don't think so. The significance lies in another context of the statistics; the gender statistics. Did you notice that women had more sexual partners than men by the age of 30? I think this speaks volumes for equality. I'm not suggesting that this tiny survey is akin to women getting the right to vote or anything, but I think it's great that women are feeling comfortable enough to engage in a healthy amount of sexual activity, and to share that fact.

Also, I'd like to see a comparison between the users on dating sites, in terms of sexual partners, and the non-users. Do people on dating sites have more partners? I'll be willing to guess they do. That's not a condemnation of dating sites, or the people that go on them. That would be so hypocritical of me, considering I've used dating sites to a fair degree over the past few years. To hell with the social stigma of dating sites. I've met a lot of interesting people through them (after weeding through a lot of uninteresting people). That's a discussion for another time (oh, you know, next week :P).

There is an issue with a survey like this: honesty. Are these numbers accurate? How do we know a lot of people didn't downplay their numbers? How do we know people didn't exaggerate their numbers? We don't. Still, this survey was an interesting one, and it's worth reading over the article.

What's your opinion of dating sites? Do you think the fact iPhone users have more sexual partners in this survey is significant? Do you think the numbers are high or low for a person at 30 years old?

Double standards: an interesting experiment via WTF is up with my love life

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Now, I've been following WTF is up with my love life?! for quite awhile now. To summarize, it is a website concerned with anything relating to dating, relationships, romance, love, etc. It's a great blog, and features some interesting guest bloggers, and neat experiments. I encourage everyone to follow the blog, and real through it.

First, you'll learn a lot about love, sex, etc., especially if you're a bit unexperienced with the whole game (not meant in a disrespectful way, but dating, sex, love definitely have a game element to them). Second, you'll find great stories, which you should be able to relate to. Third, you can ask them for advice concerning your own love life. Fourth, and most importantly, They unveil a little of the underbelly of love and sex, which most people pretend doesn't exist, or deny the existence of!

Now, onto the experiment I mention in the title. The experiment is appropriately named "My "Experimental" WTF?! Summer," and it features a girl named Roz. She set out a list of ten rules for her summer, including things such as "I must approach a new guy every night hat I'm out on the town," and "If the kisses are lacking, then everything else probably is too. I must pursue no further." Her experiment, as you may notice, throws a lot of conventional gender roles on their head. She is charging herself with approaching guys, and in many cases, makes some of those important "first moves" that guys are apparently supposed to make according to the stereotypes. Also, she is going to be physical with these guys on the first date.

The experiment has been ongoing for over two months now. Roz recently posted an update to the challenge called "The WTF?! Summer Challenge: Midterm Review." She discusses how the experiment is going so far, and what she has learned thus far (in ten lessons!) I personally think the experiment is a great idea. I've read a lot of articles on dating, romance, and sex that feel so fake, and don't feel like reality in the least. I enjoy reading about someone who takes an honest approach to romance, and gets into the nitty-gritty of cross-gender relations. I encourage everyone to read the blog, and let me know what you think about it. I've often considered writing about my love life, and am happy to find that a lot of people can do so in an honest and open way, without losing their anonymity. The comments are yours. 🙂

Open letter to my friends

/ andyveilleux / 7 Comments

Hi everyone,

Friends come and go throughout the years, and one's friend circle is always changing. If you're reading this right now, you're involved in my life to some degree. Maybe you're one of my childhood friends, a close friends, an acquaintance, a fellow poet, a twitter friend, family, a mentor, a client, or even a teammate. Either way, this post is meant for you.

The last couple of years for me have been rather interesting. I've loved, and lost, hard. I've grown, and learned a lot in the process. I've launched myself into new business, and gained new skills. I've played the highest level of sports that I ever will, and beat out many people's expectations of me. I've lost some important people through break-ups, falling-outs, and even death. I've gained a lot of new important people as well.

I'm 23 years old, a month from being 24. I'm in good health with the exception of my broken leg, but it's healing well and relatively painless now. I'm at an interesting crossroads in my life at the moment, and I wanted to take the time to discuss it with all of you. First of all, I should discuss the meaning of this post.

I wanted to write this post for a couple of reasons. First,  I wanted to reconnect, to an extent. I feel like there's a great disconnect in communication amongst people. I think the prevalence of social media has increased this divide in some ways. Social media has made it easier to get in touch, but more difficult to get close. It brings with it a lot of distraction, and an automatic distance in communication. Social media lets us extend the amount of people who we can keep in touch with to an extent that is impossible to manage.  I wanted to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten about you, even if we don't talk often.

Second, I wanted to let everybody know that I'll be making some major changes to my life in the next couple of years. Next year is a question mark. Will I start a master's degree? Will I move away for part of it if I do? Will I start my business before my master's degree? Will I juggle both, if so? Will I even start my business? What if one of the careers I applied for hire me? You get the point. The next couple of years will be a time of dramatic change in my life, and I hope you will follow along with me and offer advice.

Most importantly, I wanted to say thank-you. Sincerely, thank you. If you're reading this, you're here for a reason. Life is fragile. It can leave us unexpectedly and suddenly. I never see people take the time to thank their social net, despite how important it has been. I would not be where I am now without all of the wonderful people that have pushed me, and picked me up when I fell. You're great, and I've been fortunate to be surrounded by such positive influences in my life. Thank you all, I look forward to being in your corner and encouraging you all to accomplish the wonderful things many of you will be doing. Never give up.

Burnout, productivity, and risk: Leading the life you truly desire

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I read two interesting articles today that got me thinking. I came across the first article, In a World of Online News, Burnout Starts Younger, when it was retweeted by my friend Vadim Lavrusik (of Mashable). The second article that really got me thinking was from the Advanced Riskology blog, created and ran by Tyler Tervooren, and it is called One Productivity Myth You Can Ignore. First I want to discuss a bit about the two above mentioned people, and finally, the articles I came across because of them.

I'll keep this brief. I stumbled across Vadim through twitter over a year ago, and have been following him ever since. He is an excellent source of information, particularly focusing on journalism and social media. I highly recommend his twitter feed (which I linked above) to anyone looking to stay up-to-date on journalism and social media. Period. I have just recently begun to follow Tyler, but his blog is an incredibly fresh perspective on business and life in general. He constantly pushes one to think creatively, and challenge one's self, which are both sorely needed in our modern society. They are both brilliant, and interestingly enough, have taken surprisingly different routes to get where they are today.They are two sides on the coin of brilliance, though I won't get into a semantic argument about who gets to be 'heads,' and who gets to be 'tails.' 

The first article, concerning the burnout of young professionals in the online news world, was quite eye-opening. I think anybody who is heavily involved in the world of online news has been feeling some degree of 'burn-out' for awhile now. Even though I am not as involved as someone like Vadim (who is quite a workhorse), I too feel the effects of this burn-out occasionally. A lot of people still believe the work day is typically 9-5, but anyone involved in online news, and even social media, understands the opposite is true. Journalism, according to my J-School profs of old, and pretty much any journalist who is worth their salt, has never been a 9 to 5 job. You can't just shut off your journalizing. The same can be said of one's social media presence.

At this stage of social media, and online journalism, maintaining that connection to the social world is one's bread and butter. If breaking news happens, many people EXPECT it instantly. And maybe they should, because after all, that's our job as journalists. It would be ridiculous to blame the burn-out on the news, or our jobs, in and of themselves. We are the ones who are not disconnecting, or unplugging from the Matrix when the shift is over.

There is a movement to reduce our dependency on being connected AT ALL TIMES to the social media/e-mail machine. I read an interesting article on Advanced Riskology that discussed exactly that. It linked to Everett Bogue's Minimalist Business, which argues for a much simpler, and less materialistic, conformist lifestyle in order to achieve happiness. I think he's on to something.

This brings me to the second article that I mentioned above. Tyler's article discusses the common myth that the 'early bird gets the worm.' (Sorry for the cliché Tyler, you'll have to forgive me). He argues that rising early is often a successful strategy, employed by successful people. But, it isn't for everybody. He argues that a person should listen to their body, and adopt a more natural sleep cycle according to one's own needs and feelings. There's absolutely no reason to always wake up early if it is out of tune with the way your body wants to be ran. Tyler, to his credit, is an early riser, which means he isn't some lazy 20something who feels everyone should stay up late and sleep in late, and never be productive with their day. In fact, he is quite successful (refer to his website, which is linked above, for more.)

What I want everyone to take out of this blog is simple. It is important to disconnect from the social media world. It is also important to make your own rules, more or less, in terms of how you live your life. If you're not happy, something needs to change, or you risk burning yourself out. Life is meant to be enjoyed; it isn't a race.

Cross-gender friendships

/ andyveilleux / 4 Comments

 

Let me start off by saying that the possibility of friendship between men and women is an extremely fascinating topic. Today I read a friend's Facebook status, where she questioned whether or not men and women could be 'just friends.' She questioned in more harshly than that (read: men just want to try and have sex with girls, even their 'friends'). Is this the reality of the situation?
It's a situation I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Some of my friends have been critical of my behaviour in this way, but some have expressed a kindred approach to friendship. Some friends you can sleep with, some friends you can not. It doesn't come down to a simple divide: Friend A is attractive, so I might sleep with her, whereas Friend B is unattractive, so I won't sleep with her. That is far too simple an explanation for the situation.
I've had incredibly attractive friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single, and sober. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later). Either way, cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage. 
I wanted to take the time to point you, my dear readers, in the direction of some food for thought, before letting you loose on the comments section (of my blog, AND my Facebook).
First, the 'hard' evidence (pun intended, sorry it was difficult to resist:
Psychology Today wrote a great article, where several studies are sourced, about the possibility of cross-gender relationships. The Soko, a website dedicated to love and relationships, wrote a short article about the issue as well.
Second, a hilarious conversation from the film When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 
 
Personally, I think cross-gender friendships are possible. They definitely require honesty, and an acknowledgement of sexual tension. I've had friendships where one party expressed sexual interest, and the other party either agreed, but didn't want to get involved in that way, or admitted they didn't feel the same. Best case scenario: the friendship moves forward and grows stronger from the honesty. Worst case scenario: everything gets messy, and the friendship crashes and burns.
On the other hand, I've had friendships where casual sex was part of it, without any issues. Obviously, issues can arise, and if they do, it's important for the party that has an issue to bring it up. Honesty is vital (see a recurring theme here? COMMUNICATION – in case you missed it), and it will dictate whether or not the cross-gender friendship succeeds or fails.
All that being said, relationships have a way of changing cross-gender relationships. This change is especially dependent on your lover. I've had lovers that were completely fine with me continuing ALL of my friendships, whether cross-gender or not, but I've also had crazily jealous exes from hell who angrily prohibited cross-gender friendships (venom, anyone?) 
In the end, it's all about communication, whether you're in a relationship or not. You need to communicate at every stage, and if there is any uncertainty, talk about it right away. I know it's difficult to bring up issues sometimes, but for the sake of your friends, it needs to be done as soon as possible. Value your friends with honesty, and they will reward you with the same, and everybody will prosper from it.
 
Now, I want to hear your thoughts. Do you believe cross-gender friendships are possible? Have you been able to maintain cross-gender friendships? Does sex work in friendships?
It's a fascinating topic (the possibility of friendship between men and women). It's one I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage I believe. 
I've had friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later).
There is so much to say on the topic, and obviously we've had an up anddown friendship in the past, and a lot of it has been directly influenced by our feelings for one another, and sex. When I'm in a very sexual mood, I tend to be aggressive in that regard, and you are the same when you're in a sexual mood. It ends up resulting in an odd ebb and flow of sexuality, which is never really sorted out. That being said, I don't think we can sort it out. It's ridiculous for us to say 'we're never going to talk sexually to each other,' because I think we have a sincere sexual attraction to each other. I just wanted to highlight how interesting our friendship, and the history of it in terms of sexuality, has been. 
I'm going to write a blog post about cross-gender relationships, and I'd love to discuss the subject over coffee, chess, or whatever you're up for. I'll let you know when the blog post is up so you can read it. Would you prefer if I mentioned you in the blog, or would you rather remain anonoymous? I'm going to write it with you as an anonymous friend, but I'll change it to include you later if you prefer.
Thanks for the food for thought, here's an interesting conversation from the movie When Harry Met Sally:
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 

I want the storm to come

/ andyveilleux / Leave a comment

 

A random thought came to me today: I want a storm to come; a really big one. Seriously. 
It's been ridiculously hot in Sudbury the last few days, and the weather has teased us with the hint of a storm a few times. I just want the storm to happen.
I don't mind hot weather, but it has been ridiculously hot and humid for too long now. Also, how cool is it when a huge storm happens? It's awesome! I love watching the lightning fork through the sky, and having the thunder rumble the house. I like the sound that the torrential downpour makes against the rooftops. Mostly, I love the chilly, stormy air, as it invades the humidity like Napoleon invading Russia (oh wait, I guess that didn't go so well.) The analogy works though, because the stormy coolness comes on strong, and is eventually beaten back. It isn't quite the 'scorched earth' strategy, but it's close.
All history nerdiness aside, I'm still waiting for the weather to change. Waiting for change is a huge theme in human life, and maybe there's some subconscious and symbolic meaning for my excessive want of a storm. You get a couch and a big, comfy chair, I'll lay on the couch, you sit in the chair, and we'll figure it out.

The Influence Project

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Fastcompany has launched a project titled The Influence Project. The goal of it is to see how influential individuals can be. I'm curious to see who will win it. My front-runners are Pete Cashmore, Brian Solis, and Guy Kawasaki. I personally hope that I can win, but that would be nothing short of a miracle hah. In the end, I just want to have fun with it, and see what sort of influence I can have. You can support me by clicking on this link. Thanks everyone, try it out, and have a blast! Also, leave a comment here and I'll support you. Who do you think will win?

New move

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So it's official, I've officially moved into my new place. The problem as far as my blog is concerned; I don't have the internet until July 7th. I will try my best to update during that time, but you can expect that updates will be a bit more rare. Thanks for your patience, we'll talk soon!

Andy

Best of luck to those leaving Sudbury

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

I want to take the time to wish all of my friends who are leaving Sudbury in the next few months, or have left recently, the best of luck in the future. I'm always so happy with friends when they pursue the things in their lives that take bravery. Some may argue that moving out of town is not a big deal, because one can "always make new friends," or "Facebook is going to let [them] keep in touch." I used to be one of those people.

Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking about human connections. Part of the reason for that is probably the nature of my current job (Community Partnership Developer with the Greater Sudbury Chamber of Commerce), but a lot of it is having so many friends come and go lately. That being said, I always encourage personal development for my friends, even if the decision they are making will remove them from me. Part of being a true friend is wishing what is best for your friend. I have selfishly tried to convince friends, and lovers, to stay behind in the past, but I've grown since then.

Back to an earlier point, what sort of connections does one have with their friends when they are confident they can leave and just replace their friends so easily? That question presents a complex idea. On one hand, I've argued that a person who is willing to leave their friends does not believe their connections are meaningful enough to stay. On the other hand, I've argued that a friend who tries to convince a friend to stay is being selfish. If a friend stays, they may be limiting their personal growth, but they believe their connections are too important to leave. If a friend leaves, they may be viewed as selfish for choosing to degrade their friendships.

Is it possible that some connections are too strong to be damaged by distance? I do not believe so. Sure, a friendship isn't doomed to fall apart just because someone moved away, but I can't see it continuing to be as strong as it was before the move. It's part of life to have connections break down, and other connections strengthen, but I feel there should be something more than that to a friendship. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Being a student is interesting. We move more often, generally, than people do at any other point in their lives I figure. The constant moving creates an interesting cycle for the moving students, who spends time with their new school-town friends, and returns in the summer usually to spend time with their formed friends circle. An interesting dynamic is also created for a person who stays in the same city, and watches their friends come home, and then move away, in cycles. IT's quite odd to watch some of your good friends move away, and then have other friends return home. Often times the friends leaving are closer, because you've just spent considerably time with them over the school year. 

Wherever you end up, old friends and new friends, I hope that you find new friends or rediscover old friends, whose company you enjoy, and who will help you grow as a person!