Man out of time

Months no longer mattered
Much less days
And time itself took on a liquid form.

Time was never much of a fact for me
I never gave encouragement to notions of
Supper time or bed time
And especially
Time to unwind.

My mind was already unwound enough
And it could never be reunited or relaxed
It was as it was.

There was no sharpness to life lately
And everything took on the familiar
Grey, blurred qualities I was used to.

This was how it felt to be out of love,
Out of life
And somewhere part worries or doubts.

Who is that poem about

The postcard sits on my fridge,
that was our fridge,
Not as a sad reminder of
Better
Times
But as a reminder to miss you.

I don’t miss you anymore
And there’s something cold
And seemingly empty about that,
As if you had meant nothing.

Its from Switzerland’s Chateau De Chillon,
And you said you missed me
Although we had only hung out once
And you disguised your love by saying
‘Much love’
When you signed off,
But we both knew it was a quiet misdirection.

Happiness washes over me reading this
Postcard from a mystery woman in my past
Because that is not who you are now
That was another you
And another me.

I wouldn’t bet the farm that those will be
The happiest moments of our young lives
but anyone hedging bets would not
Handicap that bet too much,
it might be a favourite.

And the beautiful Irish had said
I reminded her of Hemingway because
I was handsome
Honest
And a hell of a writer.

Maybe it didn’t matter what anyone else said,
Besides a handful of lovers,
Because I was handsome and honest,
Worthy of hatred for my vileness,
And I could write.

More importantly,
I was worthy of great love
the deepest sadness
And was hellbent on passing away talent.

The kick

Familiar receptors from an old me
Have opened up again
Begging me to be fed.

The great human condition of loneliness
Asks whether I will give up
Another piece of my heart
Or feel the familiar sting of bring alone.

It’s tempting to spend some heart,
Even in today’s tight economy,
For some relief from the dull suffering.

I’ve handled worse than this,
But being stoic isn’t always the answer,
And often its just being stubborn.

Familiar fingers run their phantom fingers
Through my hair and down my chest
And I realize my desires will stop at nothing
In their efforts to feed.

the weight of a bad hand

The corner of your lip is set in a

frown

that shakes the world.

 

How could the beautiful be so

sad

and left behind,

and what type of world is this?

 

There is no justice

and any talk of karma or

a justifying force is laughable

or downright idiotic.

 

Sadness and loneliness will

rape

and pillage the

dreams and ambitions of even the

most noble and purest

and it is up to us to respond.

 

It was more in your eyes than

your beautiful lips,

that sadness,

the pervasive,

indifferent

sadness.

 

Life had dealt you the same hand

as me

and we both felt the weight of it

bearing down like hard chains

tugging

at our soft flesh and bones.

Streams of consciousness

One after the other

they flood through my mind

as water rushes over rocks to

create a waterfall

and never let you sleep.

 

The sound of the waters

slams against any

tranquillity

and maybe you were

beautiful and friendly enough to

help me sleep

but maybe you were

empty

just like me.

 

And talking about being

empty

does not make me deep

or profound

or philosophical,

it makes me honest,

and maybe not even that.

 

We run away from loneliness

and the sadness that pierces every

corner of our lives like the high afternoon sun

and we can’t run forever.

 

Numb it away with alcohol,

but the alcohol only pushes it further

like a hammer wedging splinters deeper

into your already bleeding heart,

and I hope you don’t

choke on the blood.

As the quiet came in

The quiet came

and I remembered I

was not okay.

 

There was no sweet embrace

or somebody special to lie next to

and there would not be

it seemed

for a long while.

 

I could taste disappointment

in my mouth,

especially on my tongue

but it was strongest in my

veins,

flowing with my blood,

and there was something fierce

and unforgiving

about it.

 

I remembered how my dreams

let me down

and abandoned me on some

dark

corner

to fend for myself.

 

A life once seeming so full of

potential,

as a golden child,

a prodigy,

now idling on a hill

unable to climb further,

as a runner looking up a steep climb

only to realize they had the freedom

to stop

and it meant the exact same as

moving forward.

winners and losers

One day life is going to swallow you whole

it’s going to bite through your weak flesh

and flimsy intentions and ambitions

and I won’t help it or you.

 

You’re both zero-sum games to me,

there is no victory and only

defeats that snatch away all hope

for something better and

meaningful,

like hearing Wagner and waiting for

the climax to come

only for somebody to kick your

record player to shit,

of your iPod dying right before the

 

drop.

 

There’s a Circle somewhere reminding me

that you fucking disappoint me and

it was not always the case,

but most of the time,

it was.

 

I guess you aren’t unlike life itself,

there’s no winning or losing in the end,

because the end removes all value from the game,

and the only way to live is to

enjoy it all

the bad and the good

and the in-between

because it’s all something,

for

now,

until it all rejoins the inanimate

nothingness,

that our souls have sought our entire lives.

Love monsters

Love makes monsters of us
And even the cutest little things
That pushed you towards it to begin with
become as irritating as people chewing
With their gaping mouths like hippos.

You hated the way I ate bananas,
Because you could hear me biting it
And I,
I hated so many little things that
They became one big thing
And that’s why we eventually sought others
Or maybe that’s a fiction.

There’s an interesting divide between
Fiction and the real
And I’m never quite sure which side
Memories fall on.

We certainly invent stories
That serve to fill the gaps of memories
But we never remember how much is real.

The value of sorry

Sorry doesn’t fix things
Even if it is a nice gesture
But often its empty and common.

There are some things you can’t be sorry enough for,
Cheating on the person who would die for you,
Manipulating a trusted friend of years,
Leading people who love you to worry about your instability
And any true mistakes from your past.

Intentions are the manipulator’s safe haven
And don’t lead to much with real mistakes.

There is no sense of regret or dread that makes
Anything better or easier
And responsibility is the gauntlet of honesty
That only some truly wear.

The honest, the damned
The wounded, the loving
All feel the pangs of shame and guilt
Sent out by regret and injustice
But it never helped a soul being sorry
Except for your masochistic self.

boredom as lover

We kill time,

because we're afriad of it

and what we fear

we destroy unprovoked.

 

A society of men and women

intimidated by empty hours

afraid to face the minutes without

stuffing them full of mindless entertainment.

 

A never-ending cycle of mediocraty

encompasses Can/American culture

to the point every pleasure becomes

guilty.

 

That's a fitting label in a society of sinners,

who only commit the lamest and most

selfish

of sins,

and never the exciting ones to confess or live.

 

Or maybe we are exciting,

with sky-rocketing adultery and greed

living to fuck and spend

and people say Freud is 

no longer in vogue,

but that's because he is feared

as truth often is.

 

There is something like the Confessions 

coming

but I never found God

and I'm not remorseful.

 

I was vengeful,

I hated

I cheated

I harmed my fellow man

I destroyed whole individuals

and I certain lied,

but I'm no different morally than the

vast ocean of human emptiness we call a race,

I'm just a sliver more exciting than most,

but mountains less boring than others.

 

Don't be afraid of that boredom,

embrace it,

Time is leaking out of our pores

a few skin cells fall off with every touch

– the great sand people,

a mock Terracotta Army –

but here I still stand

and you do too,

or you could lay with me and

forget about the boredom for awhile.

 

Life is used up all the same,

and I'm stabbing at my boredom lately

like a damned peon,

when I should be holding it like a lover.