If you work enough, you’ll never have to live with yourself – or with anybody else, for that matter. It is my simple solution to a complicated, existential problem that is best summarized by three questions: what IS worth it? What do I deserve? Is there loving, loyal and lasting love?

The first question is typically – and almost boringly – philosophical. I say that with all respect for philosophy (the one lasting love of my life). The question has become a tired one at this stage in my life. 31 years of living has seen at least a decade of serious contemplation over this question. It’s a cop out question. It’s a trojan horse stuffed with every important question, basically. Nonetheless, I will summarize it in short order. I’m not sure what is worth focusing my energy on. I don’t know that I won’t have a big epiphany later in life, which will force me to reconsider how I spent so much of my time. I feel like focusing more on the pursuit of knowledge, writing, philosophy and conversations with those I care about are three can’t-go-wrong activities until I figure the rest out.

The second question is morally weighty and somewhat ambiguous. I am a big proponent of individual responsibility (hello Sartre, I miss you!). Basically, if you do bad (or good) acts, you need to own up to them and take responsibility. Modesty is good, so I believe in taking more credit for the bad things than the good ones. Yes, that’s called being hard on yourself. I have done some terrible things to people I have really cared about. I feel a certain guilt for them, but it is no longer crippling remorse. Progress! I have found a mix of meditation, writing and having good, honest conversations with people, when I make a mistake that hurts them, is a great way to face my moral failures head on. I have managed to make amends with the mistakes I made in the past. I have strove to live a more genuine, good and helpful life since I went off the deep end morally and mentally last year. So far, so good (pun intended)!

The third question is messy, borderline disastrous and downright divisive. People of a conservative, romantic or stoic disposition will lean towards the ‘yes’ side of the argument. Radical, cynical or free-spirited lovers will side with ‘no,’ or ‘probably not.’ I’m boringly undecided. I have felt my share of love – that blessed, soul-rocking and life-changing  passion. I have also seen my share of loss, betrayal and that hollow vacancy where love once was. I’ve given, and I’ve gotten, to be honest. The question of love plagues me more as I move forward in my career. The intermittent stops – or layovers (pun intended) – in different cities will slow down drastically soon. And then what? Stay single, lonely and awesome? Find love and either live a passionate, playful life with someone, or settle in and raise a family? I’m not sure what I want. There are days where I crave security and miss having a ‘home.’ There are also days where I crave beautiful new souls to connect with and explore life with.

Life happens, even as we try to dodge it by doing anything else. It’s all life. The issue is whether I will continue to blur through it like an amateur on Photoshop blending their blemishes, or if I’ll admit my own blemishes and life the authentic life I carve.