Month: March 2013

A fire started somewhere

/ andyveilleux / 1 Comment

It’s the little smiles that feel best,
Exchanged between strangers,
That remind me that I meant something once
And someone wants me to mean something again.

I’m not ready to mean something,
The big nobody,
Nothing,
But my heart is warming up.

Everything else follows the heart for me,
And the little smiles from beautiful people
And touches from lovely women
Whether its the hugs of friends,
The kisses of something more
Or just the presence of others,
It all means something good
And real.

Do you remember me on my game,
The almost-smug grin that plays at the corners of my lips?
you will.

The idiots who talk

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I died in my dream a few nights ago,
Was resurrected without purpose
Just like the first time through this ride.

They say you never die in dreams,
but that’s a lie and everyone knows it
And its said drams only last fifteen seconds
But I woke up with a headache from crying
And having to tell my dream mother how I had died
Inside of my dreams while I cried so long
In real life
That I woke up with a headache,
So I that’s false to.

Maybe they don’t know much of anything
About dreams
Or loss
Or misery
And all the DSM’s in the world
And every little comment is just guess work,
Nominalist guesswork at best,
And they can’t tell you a fucking thing about
Your heart
Your mind
Or love.

The wind

/ andyveilleux / 2 Comments

The wind pushes around the patio chairs
Rocking and shaking them
And relentlessly howls against the windows
and through the cavernous hallways.

The sound pervades the emptiness
Making a mockery of my peace of mind
And reminding me of the one thing this
Apartment
Misses.

Fear and dreaming

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Life had a way of making the completely mundane
A big deal.

The pits of depression,
Like the drags of boredom,
were common and impotent after a time.

It came to be that only the truly dark
And morbid,
Would leave any impression at all.

I’d like to think I grew stronger than my depression
Or that boredom was now positive reinforcement
But I knew never to count personal demons out
Lest you wake up in hell.

I lived without fear of what they could do to me
Now
as I found myself unconcerned,
Budden said the thing about depression
Is that you can’t do worse than what
We had already thought about doing
To ourselves,
And he was right.

The fear left me years ago,
and had only popped up in glimpses
Almost as if it was a bad dream,
And fear is a bad dream,
The worst nightmare,
Because it can choke your heart and end you fast.

Melatonin dreams

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The dreams never stopped
But were usually always forgotten.

The worst were the wish-fulfillment dreams,
When I would wake up thinking we talked,
You never died
Or I had already finished my appointments for the day.

In reality I would wake up late
Sometime in the afternoon
Without accomplishing a thing.

Wasted potential,
Or that’s what you said to your friend
That I overheard,
It wasnt true of course
As time is spent up all the same
But I thought it was for awhile.

Some abuses were slights but
They still felt like being punched in the face.

Love as empty gas tank

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I had simply run out,
Stranded on some highway between
Maybe
A lumber town and
Steel town
Or else nowhere.

I had done a lot of loving
Fucking and
Especially losing,
But I needed a break to refuel.

Love is not an easy game,
But it was by far the best one,
Even if one had to train harder than any sport
And take proper rest.

Nobody plays by the rules when all is fair,
Or maybe the cheating bloodsuckers that
Keep pushing that phrase
Don’t want anyone else to make them look bad.

Death, taxes, joy and suffering

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Its said that two things are certain;
Death
And taxes,
But that’s not the entire truth.

Its witty but does not extend far enough
Because suffering and joy
Are also certain.

The exact mix of either of them
Depends on the person
But everyone will experience them to some degree
And with some frequency.

Even the pit of depression offers some joy
And even a life loved in blissful ignorance some pain,
I’m not questioning the size of the Yin and Yang
But declaring they do exist.