Let me start off by saying that the possibility of friendship between men and women is an extremely fascinating topic. Today I read a friend's Facebook status, where she questioned whether or not men and women could be 'just friends.' She questioned in more harshly than that (read: men just want to try and have sex with girls, even their 'friends'). Is this the reality of the situation?
It's a situation I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Some of my friends have been critical of my behaviour in this way, but some have expressed a kindred approach to friendship. Some friends you can sleep with, some friends you can not. It doesn't come down to a simple divide: Friend A is attractive, so I might sleep with her, whereas Friend B is unattractive, so I won't sleep with her. That is far too simple an explanation for the situation.
I've had incredibly attractive friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single, and sober. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later). Either way, cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage.
I wanted to take the time to point you, my dear readers, in the direction of some food for thought, before letting you loose on the comments section (of my blog, AND my Facebook).
First, the 'hard' evidence (pun intended, sorry it was difficult to resist:
Psychology Today wrote a great article, where several studies are sourced, about the possibility of cross-gender relationships. The Soko, a website dedicated to love and relationships, wrote a short article about the issue as well.
Second, a hilarious conversation from the film When Harry Met Sally:
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
Personally, I think cross-gender friendships are possible. They definitely require honesty, and an acknowledgement of sexual tension. I've had friendships where one party expressed sexual interest, and the other party either agreed, but didn't want to get involved in that way, or admitted they didn't feel the same. Best case scenario: the friendship moves forward and grows stronger from the honesty. Worst case scenario: everything gets messy, and the friendship crashes and burns.
On the other hand, I've had friendships where casual sex was part of it, without any issues. Obviously, issues can arise, and if they do, it's important for the party that has an issue to bring it up. Honesty is vital (see a recurring theme here? COMMUNICATION – in case you missed it), and it will dictate whether or not the cross-gender friendship succeeds or fails.
All that being said, relationships have a way of changing cross-gender relationships. This change is especially dependent on your lover. I've had lovers that were completely fine with me continuing ALL of my friendships, whether cross-gender or not, but I've also had crazily jealous exes from hell who angrily prohibited cross-gender friendships (venom, anyone?)
In the end, it's all about communication, whether you're in a relationship or not. You need to communicate at every stage, and if there is any uncertainty, talk about it right away. I know it's difficult to bring up issues sometimes, but for the sake of your friends, it needs to be done as soon as possible. Value your friends with honesty, and they will reward you with the same, and everybody will prosper from it.
Now, I want to hear your thoughts. Do you believe cross-gender friendships are possible? Have you been able to maintain cross-gender friendships? Does sex work in friendships?
It's a fascinating topic (the possibility of friendship between men and women). It's one I've looked into a lot over the years, and I have found everything to be inconclusive at best. In my own experiences, I've had friends that were just friends, and friends that were more than just friends. Cross-gender friendships are a difficult thing to manage I believe.
I've had friends that I have slept in the same bed with, while both intoxicated, and neither of us tried to get physical with the other. On the other hand, I've had friendships where it's troublesome to be alone in the same room with the girl when I'm single. (NOTE: being in a relationship changes the dynamic of cross-gender friendships, and I'll discuss that a bit later).
There is so much to say on the topic, and obviously we've had an up anddown friendship in the past, and a lot of it has been directly influenced by our feelings for one another, and sex. When I'm in a very sexual mood, I tend to be aggressive in that regard, and you are the same when you're in a sexual mood. It ends up resulting in an odd ebb and flow of sexuality, which is never really sorted out. That being said, I don't think we can sort it out. It's ridiculous for us to say 'we're never going to talk sexually to each other,' because I think we have a sincere sexual attraction to each other. I just wanted to highlight how interesting our friendship, and the history of it in terms of sexuality, has been.
I'm going to write a blog post about cross-gender relationships, and I'd love to discuss the subject over coffee, chess, or whatever you're up for. I'll let you know when the blog post is up so you can read it. Would you prefer if I mentioned you in the blog, or would you rather remain anonoymous? I'm going to write it with you as an anonymous friend, but I'll change it to include you later if you prefer.
Thanks for the food for thought, here's an interesting conversation from the movie When Harry Met Sally:
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
Andy Veilleux 