Memories

 

We always recall our past lovers,

with such fond memories and warm hearts,

much more than we did when we were with them.

 

Maybe the answer is simple;

we never gave them enough credit,

when we were in love with them.

 

Sadness and bad moments,

pass from memory,

easily enough,

because they are common.

 

Happy moments linger awhile,

and dance on in your mind,

and memories of love,

well, those last forever.

Today is off

Today is off,

nothing aligns properly,

and everything feels out-of-sync.

I didn't want to wake up,

it was a sign,

a sign I should have followed.

 

I'm not sure what brought these feelings,

or when they will go away,

but they feel as though,

they are here to stay.

 

Sadness always takes over,

the moment it occupies,

and seems so immature,

when it has gone away.

 

modern humanity:

an existential battle between,

boredom,

fear,

love,

loneliness,

success,

and the inability to find fulfillment,

among a populace incapable of being content,

it seems.

 

Sorry doesn't cut it

 

An apology doesn't work,
it isn't good enough,
sometimes.
 
Apoligies are too easy,
words mean so little,
especially when typed,
Is it ironic you're, 
reading this on a screen?
 
I'm sorry,
You're sorry?
 
Are you really sorry,
or are you just saying that,
because it's the proper thing?
 
Do you feel badly enough?
 
How can I judge that?
 
Mostly,
Are you being sincere?
 
Saying you're sorry isn't enough,
You need to say why you're sorry,
why you did what you did,
how everything happened,
not just 'I'm sorry."
 
We both know you fucked up,
you meant what you said,
you can't it that back,
you tried to hurt me.
 
Maybe you succeeded,
but at what price?
 
Sorry doesn't cut it,
not this time.
 

Everyone remembers the martyr

 

 
I don't have enough time Mel,
and it worries me.
 
There are too many things to do,
and no enough time.
 
I wan t to be everything,
for everyone,
I want to breathe passion into the dead,
and light up the burnt out wicks,
in the hearts of the damned.
 
I need to lift them on my back,
before they fade away,
and are lost forever.
 
I need to do it for them,
I need to do it for me,
I need to do it for you.
 
Everyone remembers the martyr,
no one remembers the ones,
who didn't quite try hard enough.
 
Everyone remembers the martyr.

France's first game: disappointing

France's first game (a 0-0 tie to Uruguay) in the 2010 World Cup can only be seen as a disappointment. The Uruguay defense played a very solid game, but that does not excuse the lack of French offense. Ribery played one of the worst games I've seen him play in a long time, and Anelka definitely did not play to the level he regularly does for Chelsea. Gignac and Diaby looked to be the most dangerous players, which makes it such a shame that Gignac only had limited minutes today. Hopefully Domenech will give him a starting spot in the line-up. I would have liked to see more of Henry as well, as he looked menacing in his limited time today (though not to the extent of the two mentioned above). Come on France, pick up your game!

Poem for everyone

This poem is to you,
it’s unmistakable,
you’re my regret, oh,
that’s inappropriate,
your pain is disproportionate,
I tore your heart out,
you were supposed to die then,
but nobody ever cares enough for that,
broken-hearted,
long living,
figure it out.

Maybe you’re the one I never talk to,
down in a major city I chose to walk through,
in an ill-fated attempt to find you,
and have a break-through,
before I break-down,
or break it down,
real simple like,
the way you understand it,
or the only way I know how to speak with,
who gives up first, the chicken of the egg?

Is that where we end, am I a chicken,
because I’d never tell you this,
not on my best day,
when my inhibitions to speak,
are put on lay-away,
and I forfeit my deepest secrets,
deeper than the gulf’s oil plumes,
our love was running on fumes,
in an empty tank we couldn’t fill.

Maybe you’re my friend,
that wants to be more,
but I can’t see through,
your vault-style front door,
you won’t let me in,
even though you want to;
are you saving me, or you?

Maybe I want to see you naked,
I want to see you sweat,
and see what you will do for me,
and that’s inappropriate,
because it’s honesty,
and who are you kidding?
honesty’s forbidden.

Maybe you’re one of the army,
I march onto the pitch with,
and I’ve got your back,
through thick and thin,
count me in,
I’ll save you every time,
or at least take the fall,
all for one, one for all.

Maybe I want to love you,
but I’m afraid,
too used to dancing on a razor-blade,
trying to find someone to hold,
when everyone wants to get laid,
but that;s inappropriate,
because it’s the truth,
don’t let it come out of the booth,
or they’ll come for you,
and shut you down,
you’ll never work in this town,
again.

Maybe your life is a mess,
and I want to pick up your pieces,
or I tried before,
you abandoned me,
but who’s counting?

Maybe I left you for dead,
ripped out that heart and said,
you need to move on,
love somebody else it’s easy,
just like they do on the TV,
at least try,
and that’s how I waved goodbye,
once or twice,
and I’ve got back that pain thrice,
or fifteen times over,
and it’s not easy to handle sober,
so I stayed drunk,
and so stoned I just slept,
until I forgot the reason I wept,
and rolled over to a brand new day,
can you say the same?

Maybe you’re my mentor,
a real role model,
but where are your skeletons dancing?
How big is that closet?
Was there a time you failed,
and truly lost it?
You don’t know where the edge is,
til you’ve gone over it,
and maybe you have,
and it shows in your eyes,
from the scars that reflect out,
and shine back off my own,
that’s communication,
that’s truth.

Maybe I still love you,
and I watched you move on,
or regress back to a useless state,
where you can’t help me, and you’re killing you,
so what good are you,
and who am I to judge?
Your brain’s permanently fucked,
mentally-fed yourself date-rape drugs,
until you’re a zombie,
and I can’t look at you.

And here I am,
it’s one A M,
the game is over,
it’s time for bed,
but there’s always so much,
that remains unsaid,
and I’ll never say,
talking to myself,
a broken soliloquy.

I live like that,
and the words kick holes in my silent demeanour,
like Rakim kicks holes in speakers,
the sound begs to live,
and I try my best,
but you know my best was never good enough,
for me at least,
and maybe for you,
but that was my decision,
and the truth of it is frozen,
dangling in time for you to read,
but you’re hindsight-illiterate,
and your rage blinds you more,
so what was I was there for?

Nothing,
and I vanished like the wind,
the way I came in,
before pulling out,
to applause from the crowd,
for my clever joke,
which leads nowhere,
except the end.

the smiling reaper has won

 

 
I stayed afloat, treading in a dream moat,
felt the Sandman's grains stuck in my throat,
and the sickle of death scrape against,
the back of my neck, cold metal,
take the burning hot kettle,
pour the water in,
and warm me up,
I'm freezing to death,
my hair stood on the back of my neck,
I prayed for my end,
he laughed,
he whispered,
he grinned.
 
"Not today, or tomorrow,
but my shadow walks with you,
I step where you step,
I do what you do,
and one day I'll come,
swinging my scythe,
and in the blink of an eye,
I'll steal your life."
 
The alarm clock went,
I rolled out of bed,
at first giddy, excited,
it was all in my head,
then I thought of work,
and what he had said,
he can't steal my life,
my soul is already dead.

Never Better

 

Sometimes things are supposed to hurt,

and they don't,

or they shouldn't and they do,

either way it's all on you;

your mental stability,

your mind-game ability,

emotional, mental artillery.

 

There's a certain way I move,

when I give you the non-committal slip,

I watch your traps,

make sure not to trip,

up, I have to avoid capture,

leave you waiting for my rapture,

we weren't made for one another,

we just end up hurting each other

 

I hate rhyming,

don't know why I do it in the first place,

it never lets you fully express yourself,

especially when you're living in the worst place,

possible,

it's plausible,

I just like to suffer,

keep making it rougher,

mental frustration,

extreme pupil dilation,

your mind an empty-souled nation,

blank yet devouring like,

staring into the eyes of Satan.

 

And that's where I live,

when you try to make me choke back tears,

but the faucets off,

overestimate your own strength again,

you're predictable,

no surprise from you,

you're egotistical,

completely sadistic,

ultimately narcissistic,

you make me go ballistic,

with the shit you peddle for truth,

as if I can't feel the rain,

through your makeshift umbrella-roof.

 

Now we're both soaking wet,

and that's because I turn you on,

your tear-ducts that I mean,

the wounds you left were unclean,

and not healing properly,

a one-sided game of Monopoly,

where you tried to steal all the property,

and never even spared a thought for me.

 

Why did we live like that,

and make each other suffer,

used one another as an experience buffer,

we segregated the real world from one another.

 

You must miss me,

everyday but today,

or maybe today the most,

you won't escape my phantom,

can't get away from my ghost,

It follows you,

trying to choke you with dirty hands,

holding you back just like your new man,

and that's the best thing for you,

imagine letting your ambition,

be free of your inhibition,

and having to face your dream,

and realize you're not the queen,

you're just a lowly servant,

pretending to hand down verdicts,

but the jury's still out on your life,

and what you will become,

how long will you try before you're done,

and you just give up again?

 

All that potential,

and no motivation to achieve,

you needed a new man,

invented a brand new disease,

an excuse to bring you to your knees,

but he isn't going to bring the chain,

that's all your own self-supplied pain,

how long til he complains about the rain,

and decides to ditch out,

even if only emotionally,

leaving his physical shell,

so you have a home to crawl into,

when you're sick of trying,

and you want to resume dying.

 

What more could I ask for,

that I didn't already have?

I had the promise of a lifetime,

that fell apart, because you were sad.

 

And sometimes that's how you'll roll,

when you invest years of your life,

an empty chest, vacant of a soul,

from your ex-lover's twisted little knife.

 

That's just the heart talking,

not being filtered by my brain,

sometimes the best way to say it,

is to lose focus and spit all the pain.

 

That's what life's like sometimes,

on the darkest nights,

I got caught up dancing in the dark,

a never-ending fist fight,

and look where that got both of us,

endless blood, broken bones, and pus.

 

I realized your pool was too shallow,

I needed room to swim,

I needed to spread my wings,

achieve my dreams,

not stick around swimming,

in your lifeless streams.

 

You had potential,

and you smashed it under your heel,

shrugged the responsibility,

refused to accept dreams were real,

and now you're a ghost dancer,

jumping through your different acts.

 

Can't you hear the clapping,

the curtain's closing,

and there's nowhere else for your display,

once it shows your act will go away,

and maybe it's for the best,

you can discover your true self,

stop hiding it on a dusty shelf,

if it's even still alive,

i wish you weren't dead inside,

because I remember you,

despite what you think of me,

and I recall when you loved me,

and the way I loved you back,

before you destroyed yourself,

and left your ambitions for dead,

that was the fatal moment for us,

I took a shot to the back of the head,

and bled you out of me.

 

Sometimes I can still taste the blood,

your toxicity that poisoned my mind,

is still reminiscent in the taste,

your shadows still dance in your place,

but I got over them and their thin frame,

I escaped your madhouse,

rejoined the world of the sane,

just in time,

before your personality feeding frenzy,

your ultimate killing blow, to end me,

there was no hell you could have sent me,

to match us darkness, because we were empty.

 

Never better,

trust me,

never better.

Am I taking on too much?

I’ve begun to feel a bit worn-out lately, and I’ve begun to wonder whether I’ve taken on more than I can handle.
My close friends will probably answer with a resounding “yes!” but I wanted to put the question out to all of you. First, I’ll explain what a typical week, ranging from Monday to Sunday, is like for me (I’ll use this week, because it’s fresh in my mind, obviously).
This Monday I worked from 8:30-5 at the Greater Sudbury Chamber of Commerce, finished the stats for the Sudbury Ball Hockey League (sudburyballhockey.wordpress.com), went out for a coffee and long talk with a good friend, met up with some friends for pool, and then had a great few-hours-long conversation with Chris Auger.
On Tuesday I worked 8:30-5, went to a staff dinner which lasted until about 8, then met up briefly with a friend to donate a pledge for her walk.
Wednesday I worked 8:30-5, and then assistant coached my u-11 team’s soccer game.
Thursday I worked 8:30-5, met with the head coach of the u-11 team (Jamil Malakieh) to get the team’s practice equipment, watched most of a SRCSL u-15 soccer game, and played a soccer scrimmage with my men’s team.
Friday I will be working 8:30-4:30, also 5-8, signing a new player for the u-11 team, and helping some of my friends register for Laurentian University courses (Hi Brendan and MJ!).
Saturday I work 10-5,
Sunday I coach the u-11 team from 1 until 3, convene/score-keep for the SBHL from 3-7:30 (and hopefully play a game while I’m there for once), and probably work on some stats for the league when I get home.
It’s impossible to write down all the little errands (such as signing players, organizing practice, tallying stats, emailing people, etc) that I can think of for the week, but they add up to be fairly time-consuming.
I tried to stay in behind-the-scenes, minimal-amount-of-work roles lately, but they seem to keep developing into more. I wanted to make a website for the SBHL, now I’m basically the vice-president (thankfully Brandon is a great President, and is doing a lot of work! [more than I am]). I have refereed games, time-kept games, and convened for the league when I wasn’t in one of those roles. I wanted to just be a player for soccer this summer, now I’m assistant coach and organizing our team’s only tournament of the summer. I wanted to help the u-11 team practice occasionally, and now I’m with them all the time, and will be head coach for the next week or so.
So that’s my life ladies and gentlemen, What do you think?
Last night at the scrimmage, while explaining how the linesman of the u-15 game was also the President of the SRCSL (Mr. Tony Nuziale), I was asked an interesting question. A teammate said, “you’re involved in a lot, why do you bother?” I explained that I liked giving back to the community, without trying to make him feel bad because he wasn’t (at least not in terms of volunteering). The answer didn’t resonate with me like it usually did. Usually when I’m asked about my volunteerism, I feel a great sense of pride in my response, but this time felt different.
I’ve heard a lot of reasons for volunteering, and felt a lot of different ones myself. They range from the typical ‘giving back to the community,’ helping one’s kids, padding a resumé, trying to win scholarships/awards, the sense of satisfaction it brings, boredom, and even the hope that it will eventually result in some form of monetary gain.
My reasons tend to border more on the selfless than the selfish, though I won’t deny there’s always a bit of both present I think.
Last night at the scrimmage I didn’t feel right. I was worn out for it; my body was killing me, my mind wasn’t focused. These days happen for all athletes, but they happen for me more often these days. To be honest, I haven’t had the pre-season performance I’ve wanted to. Last night was the warning sign that I’m beginning to break down a little, and maybe I have taken on too much.
As it goes with most important things on one’s life, my mother pointed it out to me. I was eating after the scrimmage, and watching the news with her. “You’re doing too much,” she said. “I know, but nobody else will do these things if I don’t,” I replied.
Is that a good enough reason to burn myself out? Please leave a comment and let me know what you think, I’m anxious to hear what you all have to say.

Best of luck to those leaving Sudbury

I want to take the time to wish all of my friends who are leaving Sudbury in the next few months, or have left recently, the best of luck in the future. I'm always so happy with friends when they pursue the things in their lives that take bravery. Some may argue that moving out of town is not a big deal, because one can "always make new friends," or "Facebook is going to let [them] keep in touch." I used to be one of those people.

Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking about human connections. Part of the reason for that is probably the nature of my current job (Community Partnership Developer with the Greater Sudbury Chamber of Commerce), but a lot of it is having so many friends come and go lately. That being said, I always encourage personal development for my friends, even if the decision they are making will remove them from me. Part of being a true friend is wishing what is best for your friend. I have selfishly tried to convince friends, and lovers, to stay behind in the past, but I've grown since then.

Back to an earlier point, what sort of connections does one have with their friends when they are confident they can leave and just replace their friends so easily? That question presents a complex idea. On one hand, I've argued that a person who is willing to leave their friends does not believe their connections are meaningful enough to stay. On the other hand, I've argued that a friend who tries to convince a friend to stay is being selfish. If a friend stays, they may be limiting their personal growth, but they believe their connections are too important to leave. If a friend leaves, they may be viewed as selfish for choosing to degrade their friendships.

Is it possible that some connections are too strong to be damaged by distance? I do not believe so. Sure, a friendship isn't doomed to fall apart just because someone moved away, but I can't see it continuing to be as strong as it was before the move. It's part of life to have connections break down, and other connections strengthen, but I feel there should be something more than that to a friendship. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Being a student is interesting. We move more often, generally, than people do at any other point in their lives I figure. The constant moving creates an interesting cycle for the moving students, who spends time with their new school-town friends, and returns in the summer usually to spend time with their formed friends circle. An interesting dynamic is also created for a person who stays in the same city, and watches their friends come home, and then move away, in cycles. IT's quite odd to watch some of your good friends move away, and then have other friends return home. Often times the friends leaving are closer, because you've just spent considerably time with them over the school year. 

Wherever you end up, old friends and new friends, I hope that you find new friends or rediscover old friends, whose company you enjoy, and who will help you grow as a person!